I worked at Red Robin for six years. Red Robin was with me from when I was 19 to 25 years old. Red Robin helped me grow up, taught me the meaning of hard work, and how to deal with crazy entitled people. I have gotten tipped extremely well, I have been stiffed, I have learned lots of Spanish, I have found love, and some of the best friends that I could ever wish for. Needless to say, working a job for six years will make some sort of an impact on your life.

But this isn't what this article about.

This is about getting revenge.

Saying all the things that I have ever wanted to say to any stupid guest. But alas, instead I am saying it to the entire world. And simultaneously, sharing it with people who wish they had the freedom to, but are still locked in the chains of the restaurant industry. To be completely real with you, I actually love the restaurant industry itself. I even love Red Robin, but again, this is not what this article is about. So without further ado:

Things that everyone who works at Red Robin knows, but will literally never tell you.

That is, until they quit and are in a completely different country.

That's right. Here I am. Ready to do a full expose.

Number One:

Heads up: Asking for fries before your meal is a dick move. Asking for more than one basket of fries before your meal is even more of a dick move. On that note, the fries aren't free. What? Yes. Unless you order a meal, you do not automatically get fries for free.

I'll give you a moment because I know your brain just exploded.

Number Two:

We [your server, your bartender, the manager] know when you're complaining because you want something for free. We've been at this for a while, also, contrary to what you may think, we are not idiots.

Number Three:

Most of the time, we are right. Like, when you tell me that 6 months ago there was something on our menu (like spaghetti) that hasn't been on our menu for the last 6 years, chances are pretty high that your memory is incorrect. I can almost guarantee you that the problem is not our knowledge on the place that we have been almost everyday for the last, I don't know, [insert a ridiculous number here] of days in a row.

Number Four:

We hate it when it's your birthday. Actually, we don't hate when it's your birthday. I'm sure your birthday is a perfectly wonderful day. We just hate when you ask us to sing to you. We didn't apply to work at Red Robin because we enjoy singing the birthday song. We don't like making sundaes. In fact, they usually slow us down and are a huge pain.

Here is the reasoning in case you are curious: we have to not only make a sundae, but then find 2 other people who aren't busy and are willing to take time away from their tables to sing for us, and usually we have to force people by dragging them to the table in order to look happy AF to celebrate your 35th? Birthday. Complete side note: someone once asked me to sing a “divorce" song for their daughter. Quick survey: Do you know any divorce songs? Didn't think so.

Number Five:

There is nothing more annoying than you asking for a crap ton of ranch and then leaving it on the table. If I ever run a Red Robin I am going to institute a rule where you are not allowed to leave without taking all the leftover ranches as shots. Enjoy.

Number Six:

Or when you demand more fries when you have just received your food. Can you eat what's in front of your first? Because our burgers are huge, and chances are high that you will leave the new fries I bring on the table either because you couldn't get to them fast enough and they are now cold, or you are full from your burger. Your server is totally 100% surprised every time that happens.

Number Seven:

Saying “surprise me" About your food, your beverage, your dessert, basically anything is an awful decision, just make a decision. Or, give us a choice of two different items and tell us to choose one. Explanation: seeing as how you as the guest and I as your server or bartender are completely different people and have varying tastes (I can only assume), there is a huge chance that what I love, you will not.

I have a go to for when people order like this. It's the most popular item on the menu, because I'm pretty sure you don't want what I order when I eat here. It's so highly modified, its vaguely recognizable, and no one is ever going to be able to duplicate it for you, and your future servers will literally hate me. No thank you.

Number Eight:

If you complain to me about the Ziosk. I don't care. It wasn't my choice. I work here. I don't make decisions about execution, prices or ways of paying. That's a corporate problem. If you really are taking issue with it, take it to corporate. And don't use my name, because it's not my fault. Thank you.

Number Nine:

I have real dreams and aspirations. Simply because I am a server or a bartender does not mean that I am a sub-par human. In fact, I am using the money that I make at Red Robin to further my education, and almost every single person that I work with is doing the same thing. Or saving up in order to be able to move into the starting salary that their dream job entails without floundering and ending up homeless. Don't talk down to your server or bartender like we are peasants, because chances are pretty high that we have the same amount if not more education than you do.

Number 10:

Just in case any of you reading this are in the “I don't tip because servers get paid hourly" camp, we live off our tips. For example, I worked approximately 40 hours a week bartending and serving tables. We got paid every two weeks. My paycheck would look somewhere around $79. Besides only being paid minimum wage, all the tips that we get are taxed out of our paychecks, so in all reality, my paycheck was good for making approximately one credit card minimum payment and filling up my gas tank. Definitely not good enough to pay my rent.

Number 11:

Every time you say Red Robin, do not expect me to say Yumm. Another thing that is not part of my job description. In fact, I don't even think it's funny.

If this sounds like an overdue rant from a jaded hag of a bartender, it's not. How dare you think I'm a hag? But it does come from experience. And as biased as it may seem, these things need to be heard. Because you sure as hell aren't going to hear it from your smiling waitress the next time you walk into a Red Robin.