I remember the florescent lighting of my therapists' office seemed unusually dismal on that day. I had never really it noticed it before. As I sat down the cushy recliner that was always waiting for my arrival on Fridays once a month after school, I looked at my therapist and realized today was not going to be a typical session. They usually consisted of updating him on my life, just like I would tell a friend I hadn't seen in a while and they were just starting to feel comfortable. And I could tell from the air in the room, today would very different.

That is how I remember the day I got diagnosed with social anxiety. It's a day that is etched with great detail into my memory. Even though what I just described sounds uncomfortable and maybe even a little over dramatic, looking back, this day made every light bulb switch on in my head. My diagnoses made everything make sense and allowed me to know myself more as a person. When I tell most people that I have social anxiety, they just say, "Oh no, you're just shy. That's all!" Well yes, I am shy; anyone who talks to me for the first time can figure that out. social anxiety is a lot more than being shy though. Allow me to dive into that a bit more.

Having social anxiety means that yes while I am indeed shy, I don't necessarily want to be. The idea of talking to someone sometimes is almost dreadful and if it's a stranger, it's even more so. Social anxiety means waking up in the morning and hoping that you didn't do anything recently to make your friends mad at you and them not wanting to meet up at Starbucks with you. It means thinking people are staring at you and talking about how you look. It means I won't ask the waiter for a refill on my drink or tell him they messed up my order because I don't want bother him during the dinner rush. I'll refuse invitations to hang out people because I'm scared of meeting them and having them not like me. It's knowing the answer to the question but not raising my hand. Making friends is almost as difficult as leaving my room on a particularly anxious day and big crowds terrify me immensely.

And you can see why having social anxiety in college is extremely, extremely difficult. College is meant for you to branch out and to meet new friends, get involved with as many clubs and organizations as possible, and going out with your friends to a club or group hang outs in someone's apartment. College is made for people to be social and when you're not, you feel isolated. You sit on the outside and look in on all these people and the great friends they and the lives they're living and wish you could do that too.

I have learned to the best thing I could for myself : adjust to my surroundings. I don't think I have yet to fully adjust as a sophomore but, I think I'm getting there. I take small, baby steps to get myself out of my shell and get me more involved on campus. I take weekends for myself when I need them. I even rushed for a sorority a week ago and that experience alone made realize that talking to people isn't as scary as it used to be for me. I still need my shell I love to burrow myself in sometimes but now I am slowly learning how to come out of it in a way that still makes me feel safe.