We all have days. Days that you wake up and you have nothing. You wake up and you are mentally exhausted. You have no motivation, no desire, nothing, all you have is this incredible feeling of numbing nothing. But nothing isn't really nothing. Nothing is more like heartache, or like sadness, or unbearable stress. Nothing is how you feel when you cannot process something in your life. And most of all nothing is exhausting.
The nothing days seem to drag on longer, events are duller, everything sort of seems like a time-lapse around you. Professors sound like adults in the peanut gallery. The world exists around you, but you seem to be distinctly separate from it. These are the days where you force yourself up, force yourself to methodically execute your daily routine in hopes that normality will save you. Nothing puts a look of absence and lifelessness on your face and within your every action. Even smiles ooze of nothing. Nothing is both unavoidable and un-disguisable.
Going through the motions might be the most daunting task life requires of us. Going through the motions is simply faking everything. You show up to classes, to meetings, to work, you make small talk, force out a laugh, and with each step that numbness grows. The familiarity of normal life should save you, it should shock you back, jumpstart something. But instead moving through the motions feels like carrying boulders on each shoulder. And then you start to grow frustrated. You start realizing all your responsibilities and your genuine content with a satisfactory effort, and watch you betray yourself. Nothing makes it impossible to fully choose yourself. Giving into nothing burns like a tequila shot and sobers like black coffee.
Nothing makes you aware of yourself. When you wake up with nothing, you know exactly its source. And you make sure that everything you do throughout the day disguises it so perfectly from the outside world. Every action, every look and smile, you monitor. Because of nothing you're forced to persuade yourself through each movement. Nothing is never "oh nothing," the automated response to the question "What's wrong?" Nothing is everything. Nothing takes all your energy to fight off. And you can't hide everything. That is why nothing is exhausting.
