The holidays can be a difficult time for anyone. And this statement reigns true for me and my family. Three years ago around this time, my mother was admitted into the hospital for what we thought was the flu. She told us, and the doctors confirmed, that she'd only be in for a few days and then would be out and on her merry little way. Unbeknownst to us at the time, my mother was actually diagnosed with pneumonia in both lungs, which later lead to further complications. As many of you know, we unfortunately lost this beautiful person on December 11th, under a month after being admitted into the hospital.
As you can imagine, the first Christmas, even the first Thanksgiving without her was an extremely difficult fair. The staff and teachers at my mother's elementary school made it their mission to help my sister and I in any way that they could. I was only 19 at the time, and had barely finished my first semester of college. I was going home, expecting to spend time with my mother and help her get better before the second semester began. But, obviously, things didn't work out that way, and thus came the influx of changes, new ways of doing things, and the imminent grief...which leads me to today.
Over the last few months my family as a whole has been through some pretty weird changes and lifechanging moments. I'm in my last semester on campus for my degree, and next semester, I'll be heading off to Orlando where I'll be working for the Walt Disney Company as part of their Disney College Program for their Spring Advantage Session (January-August). After such time, I'm hoping to get a professional internship with Disney's Fairy Tale Weddings, and then hopefully, work my way up to begin planning weddings for Disney.
These changes have brought out lots of emotion in me that I'm still trying to work through. I want my mom to be here so she can witness all the cool things I'm doing. I want her to be here to help move me out of my college apartment. I want her to be here so we can go to Disney next week and celebrate getting the ultimate internship. I want her to be here so we can talk about the last four years and how crazy it's been that my time here is almost up. I want her here because I need my mother now more than ever. When things have gotten rough, the only person I wanted to call was her. And she wasn't there to receive the call.
As some of you may know, I'm actually not going to be going home for the holidays. I'm actually leaving on Monday for Walt Disney World where I'll spend 5 glorious days by myself in the place I love most. This was decided before things in my family went kind of crazy. I'm looking forward to the time alone, and I think it'll be good for my soul to have large amounts of time to grieve through what I need to grieve. Disney was a huge connection that my Mom and I shared - it was one of our bonds. We always said that Disney was going to be the place where all of us ended up, who knew then that only one out of three would keep our promise.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that when you're grieving actively, it doesn't get any better at the holiday season. The truth of the matter is that their absence is highlighted. The moments you shared are brought to life. The times you wish you had stayed are even more apparent. The talks and the laughter fade away, and it's replaced with a never-ending (at least it seems) sense of sadness, dread, and melancholic behavior.
You're going to want to cry, so let yourself do it. Look at the pictures from holidays past and remember the good times and remember the times you were happiest with the loved one you lost. Listen to songs that remind you of them, and be thankful for the family members that are still around (and while Thanksgiving will be a little bit more sensitive to some due to certain events that recently happened), cherish those who are still here. They love you. They care about you. They want to help you through whatever you're going through. They don't want you to shut them out - and as much as you want to, please don't. You're only hurting yourself more.
It's okay to be sad at the holidays. You don't have to be 100%. Your family isn't expecting a smile all the time, okay. Let yourself do what you need to do to prepare for the holidays without that loved one. They want you to be you, and if who you are is grieving the loss of a parent, or other loved one, then so be it.
Holidays are tough, but my dear, you are tougher.
