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Politics and Activism

In Reality, President Trump Is An Okay Guy

Charting the campaign of America's most qualified man.

Tyler van Hoorn
Aug 27, 2015
Western Michigan University
29
In Reality, President Trump Is An Okay Guy
NY Daily News

Candidacy. [INSERT 2012 FLASHBACKS]. Trump is running for president under the Republican ticket! Well, actually, Trump was a registered Democrat during the Bush years, so his candidacy as a Republican really means—

Let's start by agreeing not to cover this guy, but let's cover the guy. Easy pickings. Why would anyone vote for him? Reasons!

He'll never win. He was never meant to win. Of course he can win. Surging in the polls! You know John McCain? That guy's a loser. Lightweight. Lightweight. Lightweight. Lightweight. Moron. Moron. Moron. Moron. Moron. Did I mention John McCain? Because John McCain is a loser. Wub a lub a dub dub. NOW LOOK AT ME WHILE I GIVE AWAY LINDSEY GRAHAM'S CELLPHONE NUMBER TEE HEE HEE.

Opinion! Trump believes Mexicans are rapists. Well, whatever, because he'll never win. Counter-opinion. Punditry goes on and on and on. Trump didn't really mean what he definitely meant. Some of my best friends are Mexicans. ANCHOR BABIES! Wants my stance on immigration? Whatever the shit riles up the white people. A vote for me is a vote for something, you'll just have to wait and see. Not a racist. Handles the #BlackLivesMatter movement with characteristic grace: "Our great African American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore." His competition in Jeb? "Jeb Bush has to like Mexican Illegals because of his wife."

#FEELTHEBERN

And somehow Clint Eastwood is involved in this thing. Well, whatever.

Them UKers yukking it up over there on their side of pond, but they gave a larger mandate to the human equivalent of a soggy broom mop, so what do they know? Europeans in general sneering, but then again, it's not like Europe's known for its long history of sensible leaders.

Here's a point. Counter-point. Counter to the counter-point. Whatever comes after that.

I predict Trump will self-implode now! Wait...now! Okay, wait a minute, definitely now! He's gonna implode, explode, turplode, episode. Now? Okay, what's going on here? How is this campaign still going?

We've been through this before...

Do you have a vagina? Well, hold onto it for a second because Trump is going to be his Trumpiest to it for you. How so? Well, just let the man explain for himself. "I will be so good to women." Still not convinced? Fuck you, vote for me.

And if you really need his credentials know that "I am really very smart." No, wait, scratch that. "Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest--and you all know it!" He's also rich, very rich. Somehow that makes him qualified.

But hey, don't blame me in 2016, I'm voting for Kodos.



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