The majority of people would easily understand the claim that we live in a sex-crazed society. Take one glance at the way women’s bodies are photographed by the media or tune in to the latest “raunchy” romantic comedy and you can see that sex sells. I believe that sexuality is important to society not because of the acts that are involved, but rather because of how it creates a predictable pattern that can be applied to many different situations.

For example, think back to when you were learning about the structures of story telling in elementary school. You most likely learned by being shown a diagram like this one by your English teacher.

There’s the exposition, which gradually leads to the ultimate point of excitement, the climax. After this most thrilling point, the intensity of the story gradually fades until there is nothing left to be written. This structure clearly goes beyond written forms of communication and into modern forms of film and television production; any successful episode or film has a climax that it is building towards, even if that moment takes an entire season or hours to come.

The climax of shows and movies is so important because it is the moment that everyone in the audience is waiting for, while holding their breath in anticipation. Now, think about this format in the context of standard, monogamous romantic relationships, such as those found in romantic comedies. Two people meet, and they start to go on dates and get to know each other. There’s a first kiss, which leads to making out, which leads to having sex. After the couple has sex, predictably something goes amiss in the relationship and by the end of the credits they have either solved the issue or ended the relationship. The sex (or orgasm) is the climax to the relationship. The average college student watches many movies; how many times do you think a person can be exposed to that pattern without it affecting how they view their own relationships? If orgasms and sex are shown to be the ultimate high point, the “good” part of a relationship over and over again in the media, we as human beings may place a disproportionately higher value on sex than we would otherwise.

Additionally, where does this leave people who are incapable of the orgasmic climax that sexual relationships are supposed to produce? People who have disabilities or are on the asexual spectrum are left with almost no reference point for their experiences, because without a climax, what exactly is there to work towards? Of course people can have amazing relationships without sexual contact, but how do they make sure that other couples that are happily climaxing give them the same amount of respect? If sex is the ultimate marker of a “serious” relationship, how can someone who is not having sex with their partner turn the plot diagram of their relationship on its head? Should they create their own definition of a climax with their partner? What does that even look like when the word “climax” itself is so tied to orgasms?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I believe that as a result of having to create their relationship dynamics themselves, people on the asexual spectrum (those with little sexual attraction or desire) have an especially keen sense of what it truly means to be intimate with another person, and how that intimacy can be conveyed in innovative ways. Thinking about intimacy without a diagram to follow can lead to new discoveries, both sexual and asexual, that build a path to greater satisfaction for all people.