Recently in my Bible study, one of the girls mentioned how she puts unbelievably high expectations on her friends. At the time, I remember thinking that was not something I had to deal with, but after a few weeks, I realized that it was something I was struggling with and didn't even realize it.
Every friendship looks different, but if you are like me, you have the handful of friends that just keep you afloat. Some of those friends may be made in college, and others you may carry with you from high school, but they are the ones that help you get through life. However, it is often these friends that we put the highest expectations on. Let me clarify. I don't mean that I expect my friends to be perfect in life. I am well aware that we all make mistakes, very well aware. I think personally though, I don't expect my friends to make mistakes when it comes to friendships. It is such an unfair expectation, and I realize that. Nevertheless, it is still something I do. I get frustrated when I feel like my friends do not have time for me, or I feel like I am putting more effort into the friendship than they are. So often though, this is such a one-sided perspective. Half the time I think I just make these things up because I am an over thinker. Other times though, I know that life gets in the way, and sometimes they just can't help it.
Take, for example, one of my recent college experiences. One Friday afternoon, I decided to take a nap (Because college really is exhausting.) Before I fell asleep, I texted one of my good friends asking her to come knock on my door if our group of friends decided to go get dinner. I woke up about an hour later, and texted that same friend asking what she was doing. She then said that she was out to dinner with everyone. I was so confused because I had specifically asked her to wake me up. How could she do that? After talking with her, I found out that she had read my text wrong. It was an honest mistake. She thought I said to wake me up if people decided to do something after dinner. It still hurt though that all my friends had gone out to dinner without me. It was not anyone's fault, and it was a genuine mistake, but it still hurt.
Other times it happens in the shape of phone calls to friends from home. You only have thirty minutes to talk before one of you has to leave. Whatever it may be, you end up having to hang up mid-conversation, and one of you feels like the other doesn't have enough time for them. It's not something you want to feel, and you know it's not a justified feeling. It does not change how you feel though. Even if your conversation only lasts ten minutes, you still would rather talk to them than not, but it is hard. There just never seems to be enough time.
These standards of perfection are not healthy. We expect our friendships to always to be perfect, and we never want to admit that occasionally our friends let us down. It is never on purpose. A lot of the time it is just life. You are two separate people living two separate lives. No matter how close you are or how many things you do together, there will be times when you let each other down. Times when your schedules don't line up and times when you forget to respond to each other's texts. There will be times when you each make new friends which will make it even harder to balance new friendships with old ones.
However, I have realized that in these times I need to give grace. Friendships will survive the little struggles and the big ones if each person is willing to give grace. I am trying to be conscious of the fact that my friends are not always perfect in friendship, and that is okay. I am not always perfect either. I know there have been times when I have hurt my friends without realizing it. Times when I seem too busy for them, or times when I let them down. I never do it on purpose, but I know it happens. I need grace in my friendships too because I am not perfect.
A standard of perfection in a friendship is not realistic, and I know that. It only happens because I love my friends so much. However, this standard only hurts us all in the long run. By avoiding holding each other to this standard, friendships are full of more understanding, patience, and grace. It does not mean that your friends won't hurt you at some point, but it is understanding that when your true friends do, it is never on purpose. Trust me, they love you as much as you love them. Friendships are full of loving each other through the mistakes, even the mistakes that happen regarding friendships too.
"A friend loves at all times..." Proverbs 17:17
