Since I was 13 years old, I have been a relationship person. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I was always “talking” to someone, anxiously seeking attention and searching out the next relationship. Eight years later, I still find myself doing the same thing.
I’ve been told that I am “co-dependent” by nature. In simpler terms, I tend to rely on another individual, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I despise being alone, so I seek out whoever I can wherever I can to fill that void. I don’t like that I am this way. I don’t want to be the girl who is constantly seeking attention and looking for the next boy to date. I want to be the girl that is confident enough in herself and most importantly in her faith to allow for life to happen and for God to work His course. Unfortunately, I have found that this is much easier said than done.
I’m working on being happy on my own. It hasn’t been easy, but I know that I’ve come a long way from where I once started. The transformation has come in baby steps. It took me months to just accept that it is okay to not have a guy to text everyday. I know I have come far, but I still find myself feeling lonely and missing the way a relationship makes me feel. I miss feeling secure, knowing that you have a man that loves you. I miss having someone to always go to baseball games and concerts with. I miss having that person that I always know is willing to spend Saturday nights with me. It’s hard adjusting, and it’s even harder trying to change a natural tendency.
I am impatiently single. I go out with my girlfriends scanning the scene for a potential guy. I go out to eat with my family keeping my eyes open for a cute boy that sits down at the table next to us. I miss being in a relationship, but I’m afraid that I am missing out on life while looking for one.
It scares me not knowing who the guy is that I am going to spend my future with. It scares me even more not knowing when or where I’m going to meet him and how I’m going to do so. A spiral of thoughts often enters my head that leads to me being the last of all of my friends to get married and start a family, or even worse, never finding that man at all. When I let my mind go there, I have to bring myself back to reality. I know that God’s plan is different for each and every one of us. I know that being the last of my friends to get married is not the end of the world if it is His will. I know that I need to start living and stop focusing on the men surrounding me. And I have been told and I strongly believe that the minute I start living like that for real is the minute that the man will come along. Or better yet, the minute that I start trusting in God’s plan rather than my own is the minute that I will truly start living.
