I've felt depression but it's never been so bad that I thought about taking my own life.
For others, that's not the case. Being depressed is never something to take lightly, no matter the situation. It's a real and terrible thing that can turn your whole life upside down in no time. I'm writing this as someone who has lost someone very close to me to depression/suicide.
Hundreds of people deal with the thoughts of suicide every day. Just writing that makes it seem so scary, it makes me wonder how they feel. I may never know what it's like to want to take my own life or not be a part of this world anymore, but I do know what it's like to lose someone who felt that way.
It's hard losing anyone no matter they left us, but it's even harder when they made the decision and you don't understand why. You don't get the chance to say goodbye or tell them you love them because you don't know when the last time you'll see them will be. For me, it was on a Halloween night. He wasn't himself and you could tell. He hugged me a little more that night and told me he loved me a few more times than usual.
Do I think now that I should've known something was going to happen? Absolutely. But I can't nor can anyone else blame themselves for not knowing what was going through his/her mind.
When you lose someone to suicide, you feel like you should've known or been more present in their life but honestly, that may not have helped. Sometimes people that are in such a bad place don't think they have anywhere else to go so why not just stop where they are.
His sister called looking for my momma in the middle of the night, I should've known something was wrong but I told her to call her phone and went back to bed. My phone blew up with "I love yous" and my momma called me crying, that's when I knew something was wrong.
Rick shot himself
Those were the words that came out of her mouth and in that moment my whole world fell apart. The father figure I once had was gone. I wanted so badly to go see him, to see for myself, but my mom kept saying
I don't want your last memory of him to be this
Was I mad? Did I think it was selfish? Of course, I was hurt and I wanted nothing but to be able to talk to him and see him but I couldn't. There was no one there to see.
Thoughts of suicide don't only affect the person but the actions they take afterward affect everyone around them.
If that person is you, I want you to know that it will be okay. There will be bumps and maybe even boulders in the road, but you can cross them. You can find the light in your life again and even when it doesn't feel like it, know that you're loved and you're wanted. Don't give up when you feel like falling apart. Reach out and talk.
Text “CONNECT” TO 741741 or call 1-800-273-8255 to reach out to reach out to a crisis counselor about anything that's on your mind 24 hours a day.
