You've seen me at your gym before.

I'm the guy that runs on the treadmill and stomps my feet every time I stride to intimidate you from completing your workout.

I'm going fast — really fast. You might have seen me, you know, singing along to my music because it was so easy, sweating profusely and making people around me move because I was sweating all over them.

I want to send a message: I'm a real runner. I'm in shape.

You're not.

You bench-pressing? That's not real exercise. Your five pullups? That's nothing. That leg press? You know who's getting a real leg workout?

Me, running faster and longer than you could ever dream.

You might even see me in the locker room shower, with no qualms about being butt-naked when I go into and out of the shower.

What? I have nothing to be ashamed of, especially given how I showed I deserve to work out much more than you and am much better than you.

Yeah, that's right — I can keep up 15 miles at 5-minute mile pace. I keep it up until you get intimidated and sign up for another gym, so disregard that when you leave, I slow down to 10-minute-mile pace.

I even use incline so my treadmill can make me rise above and tower over you imbeciles. I'm faster than you and better than you. Don't forget that.