First, I want to start off by saying that a big part of me doesn’t want to write this, but at the same time, I think it needs to be said.

It’s always hard to tell who’s the one, especially when you’re young. When you’re young, everything is new, exhilarating and has the potential to be the end of the world. I still look back on our relationship at times and remember how happy and in love we were. We spent almost every waking moment together, to the point where our names were synonymous, anytime you and I were anywhere without each other people would ask where the other was. You were everything to me, you helped through so much of what I now know to be my anxiety, ADD, OCD, and depression. You are such an amazing person, so loving, so kind, and completely, and utterly, selfless. That’s why I feel like a piece of shit for saying this; I’m sorry, but I don’t regret cheating on you.

I remember asking you if you ever thought we’d get back together and you flat out said, “No, every time I look at you, I see what you did.” I was hurt, but I understood, because what I did, what I put you through, no one should ever have to be hurt that way- especially you. You loved me like no other, and I just kept hurting you. But when I look back at it all, from the time we were freshmen in high school to this moment, I’d say I’m sorry for what I did, but I wouldn’t change it and I don’t regret it. Life is just the sum of our experiences, all the good and all the bad. We wouldn’t be who we are today if I hadn’t done what I did.

We met when we were so young, we were two 14-year-olds, who were fundamentally different people, who met by pure happenstance, through our friends’ mutual friends. After struggling with our feelings for each other for a year, we started dating. We were so young and stupid, we had already told each other, "I love you," before I even asked you out. Eventually, you and I did fall in love, though, and after about a year, I don’t think I’d ever been happier up to that point.

Then, the “feelings” came. Every time I broke up with you, I gave you that excuse. That I was feeling uncertain about myself, and I needed time to figure out who I was. A couple of times that was true, but sometimes it was because I was falling for someone else. I’m sorry I never told you that before, I should’ve, but I didn’t want you to hate me anymore than you already did.

But that happened five times, and every time I came back, you took me back with almost zero hesitation. I don’t know if it was because you loved me, or because the thought of someone new scared you; single life sucks and I was familiar. The unknown is terrifying. That’s the reason I kept coming back. By that point, that’s really all our relationship was to me: safe and loving familiarity. And I would’ve kept it going out of obligation to you, to not have wasted all this time you and I had invested.

I'm an asshole, I know, but as I said before, you and I were just too different to ever really work. We had a couple things in common, but all our likes, interests, plans, they differed. The only reason they slightly fell in line was because we “planned” our lives together.

I didn’t love you the way I used to anymore, and you didn’t deserve that. You deserve to have the grandest love- a rebellious, fierce love. You deserve to be with someone that wakes up every day and loves you more than they did the last, that’s all I ever wanted for you. I couldn’t be that person, and you couldn’t find that until you let me go, and it wasn’t until I cheated on you, did you find the will to do so.

I don’t think I could’ve let go of you, until I had no other choice. And look where we are now, you’re happy and loved by a guy, who frankly, is perfect for you and I'm finally taking on the vastness of the unknown. I’m not trying to justify or validate what I did, because what I did was monstrous, and no one should ever hurt someone the way I hurt you. But I truly think it was something that had to happen for both of us to realize how wrong we were for each other. Move on to find the people that we’re meant to be with. I think that’s the worst mistake we can make in this lifetime or in any lifetime, for that matter. Loving someone, and being with someone, who we don’t belong with.

Don’t get me wrong, I will cherish our time together and as much pain as it has caused me remembering, I still don’t regret a single moment we spent together. We started dating when we were fifteen, and we were together until we were almost twenty. Those are the years everyone spends trying to figure out who they are, and for better or worse, we did that together. We were there every step of the way, helping each other, pushing each other, and catching each other when we fell. You were my best friend in the whole world, we loved each other, and whether you like it or not, you will always be a little part of me, as I you. I am sorry, I will always feel like a piece of shit for what I did but, I don’t regret it because if I hadn’t, we wouldn’t be where we are today.