I have felt really into drawing lately. I have a sketchbook with markers and I draw whatever I want to. It makes me feel like a little kid and it is great. I don't have any guidelines. It has helped me recognize my feelings in certain situations. I can be stressed all day and not even know it until I look back at what I drew that day, and I see it's all scribbles and angry colors. I can subvert my attention by recognizing what I'm drawing, then head to the next page and do the opposite. I can make myself feel happy just by using the right colors. I love what color does to the brain.

I've never considered myself an eloquent person. I describe my thought process as a connecting of concepts and colors and pictures, and I sometimes lose the connection to the words. Colors are the big one, because I associate so much with each individual color, that they can get jumbled up around my head. I wish I knew another language so I could at least fake it through my lack of words with "... what is it in English?"

But the thing is, I think that phrase a lot. I have my own language going on in my head, and it is certainly not English. I stop mid sentence explaining something and try to go at it with my hands, and it looks like I am attacking my own sentence. My words come out and once they stop working I need to mush it up and tear apart the fibers so I can find the parts that I missed. I wonder if other people do this too, and then I think, well they must. I'm not the only person to have experienced something. We are at a point in humanity where everything has been tried, and nobody is the first to do anything.

Back to the title. I am afraid of my stories. I fear that if I put in writing what I have seen and felt, what I think, or what I imagine, I will be judged. This is totally silly, nobody is judging me for the things I have endured. Nobody cares about my baggage, they have enough of their own.

So. Here I am. Going down this road where I write things down and put them on the internet. Maybe people will read them. That makes me uncomfortable.