I don’t remember a time in my life, ever, where I have truly loved myself for everything that I am and I am not. Not in 20 years and eight months of living have I ever looked in a mirror and not have a list of 50 things I would change about myself. Although I have never lived life differently, I know this is not the way I am supposed to live my life.

At first, I hated myself for my image, which seems typical for a girl. What isn’t typical is being six years old and crying because your mom wants to take a picture of you and you don’t want her to because you don’t want to see yourself. What isn’t normal is going on a “diet” at eight years old. At 10 years old I would draw in black marker all over my body the things I wanted to change about myself. At 12 I would avoid going shopping with my friends. At 14 I would starve myself and go days without eating. At 16 I had serious breakdowns while trying on homecoming and prom dresses, not because the dresses didn’t fit, but because I never felt pretty. At 18 I would put all of the love I was supposed to have for myself, into a boy because loving him was easier than loving myself. At 19 I would stop taking pictures and hang out with friends because I didn’t think people liked me. And at 20 years old I have become so miserable with who I am, that I often shut out the world around me, only causing my depression and anxiety to grow deeper by the day. This is not the way life is meant to be lived. So I have made a decision: I’m ready to love myself for the first time in my life.

This statement is profound in its self. For the first time ever, I am willing to openly say, “I’m ready” because I really haven’t been until now. I have been okay with being miserable and not talking to anyone about my self-hate because I never wanted to be “that girl.” I didn’t want others to think I was doing if for attention. I didn’t want someone to think I was weak. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. But I have now realized that this isn’t about anyone but myself. I have to figure out how to live my life.

I have a long journey ahead of me, that I am sure will have lots of ups and downs and in-betweens, but I can handle it. I am stronger than what I have told myself the last 20 years. This decision is about way more than losing a few pounds and running more often. This is about laughing more, smiling often, looking in the mirror and maybe smiling because I like who I see, loving who I am and what I represent, and eventually getting to a place where I know my worth.

I am being very vulnerable for a minute and sharing this with all of you. This is scary. There are only three people in the whole world who know how much I have struggled with my self-image and self-hate: My best friend, little brother, and therapist. And now, everyone can see my struggle and take it for what they want. But for those who want to judge, this is not for you. This is for the 12-year-old girl who looks in the mirror and hates what she sees. This is for the 40-year-old woman who hasn’t felt beautiful since the day she left high school. This is for the girl down the street who struggles with depression. This is for my daughters and granddaughters I will have in the future.

To those women: It is time we stand up for ourselves. It is time we start living our lives. It is time we stop crying ourselves to sleep or making list of the things we want to change about who we are. It is time that we look in the mirror and smile because we are beautiful, and we are worth it.

I’m ready to love myself, are you?