When I left for college three years ago I knew I would be living a different lifestyle, making new relationships with people, and having different experiences of the world, of myself, and of others. I knew all of this would change me – produce new habits, new quirks, new interests, and a different worldview.
When I came back home for breaks I fought against falling back into the old mold of myself that people remember, that people were used to.
I’m not who I once was. I’m not the same as I used to be. I’m a changing person. As I grow I realize that at any given point in my life I was no less me than I am now, I’ve just become different – more of the woman I’m intended to be, more of a woman I’m proud to be.
I’m not who I was in junior high. Constantly playing football in a skirt with the boys during and after school. Concerned with academic grades. Goody-two-shoes. Teacher’s pet. Tattle-tale.
I’m not who I was my freshman year of high school. Shy. Quiet. Awkward. Sheltered. Naïve. Looking for my niche. Longing to be comfortable in my own skin. People pleaser.
I’m not who I was my senior year of high school. Beginning to come out of my shell. Starting to be comfortable in being myself. Academically driven. Concerned with standardized testing. Comparing myself to others.
I’m not who I was my sophomore year of college. Searching for community. Content in my weirdness. Driven by learning and knowledge. Living for adventures and experiences. Planner and event organizer for friends. Anxious about the real world. Over-extending myself.
I’m not who I was even 3 months ago. Clinging to friendships to fill my needs. Lonely. Vulnerable. Hurting. Workaholic. Driven by relationships. Expending endless compassion and counseling. Looking for joy despite circumstances. Overly committing myself.
As of the day I’m writing this, I’m more at peace. I’m seeking wisdom and discernment. I’m trying to focus on self-care. I’m driven by the longing to learn and love more the God I serve. I’m invested in a body of encouraging believers. I desire to glorify the Lord in every interaction. I’m present. I’m being prepared for new things. I’m taking hold of healthy opportunities.
But some people don’t change at all. They remain exactly how they were, how I remember them. They peaked at some stage in their life and have gotten stuck there, not moving forward.
It’s difficult to interact with these people because while so much has changed for me, while my personality has grown, nothing has changed for them. They have been alive longer and experiences have passed them by, not touching them at all.
I’m ever changing, never stagnant, always learning. Of course I don’t mean to say that I am entirely a new person, I just mean to say that I have been becoming a more well-rounded person and a more fully formed individual almost daily. Pieces of what my character has been in the past are still a part of me but each aspect becomes more moderated as time goes on.
I’m not defined by who I used to be. I’m not defined by what people think of me. I’m not defined by what they think I ought to be. I’m not even defined by who I am now or who I will be in the future.
