I like to think that I’m not the only girl out there with this issue, so I’m here to say, you’re not alone. I’m the kind of girl that has always wanted a relationship, but can never seem to have one. The reason isn’t because I can’t find the right guy, or any guy for that matter. It’s because I don’t know how to be in a relationship to begin with. I’ve only ever been in two and they weren’t true relationships. It was just a guy and a girl trying to figure out how they belonged in this crazy world. We obviously didn’t belong together, not for lack of effort.
Now, I’ve been single for about a year and there are moments when I hate it, and there are moments when I love it. I hate it when I’m at date nights with my friends and they have their boyfriends with them, but boy do I love it when they are up late crying because of some fight they had. I love not answering to anyone but myself, and I adore being able to just hop on a plane and fly as far away whenever I feel like it.
I want a relationship.
I want one but I’m starting to realize that finding a guy isn’t the problem, I am. I’m scared to give myself to someone, to have to rely on somebody other than myself. I’m so used to being alone, independent and doing whatever it is I please. I’m coming to a point in my life where all my friends are in relationships, engaged, or are married.
That scares me to no end.
I meet guys who I could see myself being with, and then I sabotage any chance of that ever happening. The reasoning behind that is something that I’ll leave to the psychologists and not my pen and paper. Not being ready to commit to a relationship is becoming extremely hard in my life when I come to a point when everyone is ready to commit. I always say that it will come when it comes, just like everything happens for a reason. The time is coming when I’ve met guys that I can see myself being but I can’t get over this feeling where I lose myself. I’ve seen girls there who self to someone and then been spit back out.
I don’t go anywhere without a backup plan, but it's starting to cause more problems then help. Just know that if you feel this way, you aren’t alone. There are so many girls out there that just tell people “I’m not a relationship person” it’s a short way of saying “I’m scared, and am not ready to take a leap.” I’m not ready to take the leap and props to those who are because you have more courage than I could ever muster up.
