Growing up, I always fantasized about my future career. Most of my life, I wanted to be a vet, but around the age of 16, my desires changed from helping animals to helping people. I suffered a traumatic brain injury that year and my life changed drastically.
My neurologist refers to that time as the opening of Pandora's Box. A lifetime of emotional issues that had been managed by incessant exercising and a non-stop go go go lifestyle came bubbling to the surface. I instantly went from the jokester with a bright future to the girl that couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I stopped going to class and started making questionable decisions just to cope with what I was feeling.
My TBI more than halved my cognitive function and made college more of a dream than a reality, but still, I went. What I found there was utter and complete misery. Sure, I made friends and had fun, and I enjoyed parts of it, but what I remember most about that first year of college is the careening through life, reckless and out of control and then the spiraling into a depression so deep that I spent hours and hours preparing to take my own life.
Almost eight months after the TBI I was diagnosed with a host of mental illnesses, among them: Anxiety, Depression, Anorexia Nervosa, Exercise Bulimia, PTSD, and OCD. On the brink of death, I left college and sought treatment.
Over the next two years, I worked tirelessly to develop emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness skills. I found a passion for working with kids, specifically children that needed an extra helping hand. I adopted a dog and showed him what life should be like, as his first six months were full of abuse. I realized what I wanted to go to school for and worked at rebuilding relationships that had fallen to pieces. Essentially, I built myself up into the person I was always meant to be.
I dropped out of college only a few weeks into the semester twice in those two years, as I had absolutely no healthy stress management skills. I put myself and my mental health first.
And that's OK.
So no, in the coming weeks I will not be walking across the graduation stage with my closest friends. I will be in the crowd, cheering them on, as they have cheered me on through the past few years of self-discovery.
And if you asked me today to choose between the peace that I've found with myself and a college diploma, I would choose the warm glow of self-acceptance. I will graduate on my time. One day, I will start a career and change the world.
In the meantime, I'm going to sit back and accept that life is not a destination, but rather a journey, and I'm finally enjoying the ride, so why rush it?
