I identify as Queer. I use the word proudly and (quite often) loudly.

I do not like using LGBTQ+ because the acronym can never be inclusive enough no matter how many letters you add to it. For those of you who don’t know, LGBTQ+ stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and more (like Asexual, and Intersex for example). I also do not like this acronym because it highlights the binary gender system — of which I am not a fan — because it uses the terms “lesbian,” referring to feminine identified people attracted to feminine identified people and “gay,” meaning people with a masculine identity being attracted to other masculine identified people. But there are so many genders and versions of masculinity and femininity that using these two terms is sort of problematic.

That said, I fully respect people who have claimed those labels as being a part of their identity. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to struggle with labeling our attraction orientations and could communicate clearly and considerately enough that we could feel free to crush on, fall in love with, and/or marry who ever we darn well please. But the world is messed up. So finding solace in a gendered attraction label is understandable. It gives you community. It helps you find people like you. It’s OK to use it. But when you use it, please be mindful of the support you are giving the oppressive gender system.

Instead, I use the acronym MOGAI — Marginalized Orientations, Gender Alignments, and Intersex. These letters automatically include all genders, all orientations, all people that lie outside the binary gender and attraction system we’ve all grown up with. I’m a fan of inclusivity. I’m also a fan of not having to claim a label in order to negotiate social situations. However, I am not strong enough to go through life without a label to cling to. I am trans masculine and bi. I am aware that my use of these words support the binary system. However, their definitions probably mean something different to me than they do to you. To understand what I’m getting at, read this. It's a little disheartening to me that I have not found a way to navigate life without giving into the binary system in order to explain myself to people. (Why should I have to explain myself to people? Why can't I just be left alone?)

But, I use the word “queer” more than I say MOGAI.

I understand that “queer” is an insult in some circles. I understand that some people have suffered its abuse and prefer very much to not have any part of its usage. But I have decided that I am not going to let anyone take my words from me ever again.

Let me explain.

When I first learned the word “queer,” I was young — in second grade, I think. It was in a children’s dictionary. (At that time, I read anything I could get my hands on. And yes, that means I read the dictionary.) It said that the word meant “odd.” Ever since I learned it, I used it to mean “odd.” My classmates would gasp and looked wide-eyed at my teacher who tried to ignore the exchange that was happening. I didn’t know that it was a “bad word.” I liked the sound of it.

When someone (likely my neighbor while riding home in the back of the school bus) explained to me why the word was not good to say, I was more selective of my usage, but never used it to refer to anything dealing with the MOGAI community. The two entities didn’t click for me. How is being bi or having a gender other than the one you were assigned “odd” at all? To me, it wasn’t.

The older I got, the less I used the word. It wasn’t because I liked it less. It was because I became more and more aware that someday, someone could use it against me. During that period of my life, I shrunk deeper and deeper inside of myself. I learned to be small, to tuck my arms and legs in and to not take up too much space. I learned to be quiet (though I could never wrangle in my obnoxious laugh). I learned to not fight to have my say when masculine people were talking over me or repeating my ideas and taking them as their own. I let people take away my confidence, my assertiveness, my independence, the list goes on.

So last summer, when I finally admitted to myself that there was no running from who I am, when I came out to myself, my relationship with the word “queer” was rekindled. I like the word. I still like the way it sounds. I like that it’s not specific and that it’s inclusive. I like that it has powerful community strength tied to it. I like that it’s one syllable and easy to say. It’s my word. And I’m going to use it.

If someone ever told me that the word brings back something hard for them to deal with, of course I would not use it in their presence. If I am around people that do not in any way understand the queer (MOGAI) community, I will not use the word. I do not want it to seem that by my using the word, other people are given permission to use it.

Get really close to your screen now. Make sure you don’t miss this part:

If you are not a part of the MOGAI community, you cannot use the word “queer.” You do not understand what it means. Yes, you can be empathetic. Yes, you are intelligent and can understand everything I and others have written on the topic. But no. You do not understand what it is to take hold of a sharp word that could at any time be hurled at your face with intent to kill. You do not feel the effects of the long internal struggle of coming to terms with and constantly negotiating your existence within larger society. You do not get to use the word unless someone who uses the word themselves gives you permission — and only within that conversation. Permission must be renewed.

I am all for total and radical integration, but that kind of life also means respecting boundaries. Words are powerful. If you don’t quite understand why a person outside the MOGAI community doesn’t get to use the word, then just remember that words do not have inherent value. This means five people will have five different understandings, experiences, and histories with any word. If you have no experience that would let you fully appreciate the negative impact of a word, do not use it.