I am Bi. I am not Bisexual.
Let me explain. First of all, being Bi means you're attracted to two or more genders. (News flash, there are more than two genders.) Second, there are many types of attraction, like sexual and romantic attraction. Many people do not separate these two types of attraction as it's not necessary. But when people are asexual, they may choose to define their sexual and romantic attraction separately.
How each person defines romantic and sexual attraction is dependent on that person. There is no universal definition because people experience life in vastly different ways. I would give you my definition of each attraction type, but I've recently decided that attraction definitions do not matter to me.
Labels like Bi, Pan, Gay, Straight — they're all used to easily communicate your identity and preferences to other people. When I finally came to terms with being Bi my freshman year in college, I set out on a mission to better understand the Marginalized Orientations, Gender Alignments, and Intersex community (MOGAI) and all of the terms I saw floating around on the internet. That process proved to be difficult because groups of people use the labels in different ways – to describe their experience, to guide their navigation of the dating world, etc. The main the problem is that words do not always express our positions well enough to claim as our own. I have found this to be true of me.
I used to call myself Bisexual. But I've never really been sexually attracted to people. So, when I learned about the possible separation between romantic and sexual attraction, I started referring to myself as being Biromantic Asexual. Then, I learned about the label Demisexual, which is a subdivision of asexuality, and I thought that described me even better. I finally settled on the label Biromantic Demisexual.
But then, I fell into like, then into really like, then into like-like, then into total infatuation with a girl on campus. And the more connected I felt to my girlfriend, the less words could describe how I was attracted to her. The more love I felt, the less words could accurately describe how I felt about other people in the past, too. Because connections with people - whether it's romantic, sexual, platonic, or by any other means - are meant to be experienced, not explained.
I no longer feel the need to sum up my attraction in a few words. But, I still claim the word Bi. Not Bisexual. Not Biromantic. Just Bi. I appreciate the community that opens up when I instill the label. I also like the easy out in conversation when someone asks how I identify and I don't have the spoons to explain all of the above. (Spoons, by the way, is a fantastic metaphor created to explain the impact of debilitating conditions on daily life. But more people use it now in order to manage and process the motivation, energy, gumption, etc – or lack thereof – throughout one’s day.)
What do I mean when I call myself Bi? I mean that I’m queer. I’m not straight. I have the capacity to be attracted to many different genders. Gender affects whether or not I could be attracted to a person. And I do not have the ability to be attracted to all genders. I’m Bi.
