I guess you can say that being the first in my family to graduate from high school and go to college is a good thing. Well actually thinking about it, I guess it is a pretty amazing thing. Some people tell me I should be very proud of myself and what I have accomplished. Other people tell me that my parents must be so proud of me and they wish me the best of luck. When I think about it, I don't really know how I feel about it to be honest. I mean, I guess it's cool to be the first generation in my family to not only finish high school but to take on college. But sometimes I wish people, my parents, and even my friends understood what it actually means to me.

Yes, being the first in my family to go to college is a big deal. My parents want the best for me and want me to succeed in life. Their dream for me is to finish college and make a name for myself. But some people just don't understand the pressure I'm put under. Don't get me wrong, first generation or not, all parents want their children to succeed and may put a lot on their shoulders. But for me personally, it's not just my parents I have to make proud. It's my whole family. I sit at family gatherings and I hear my parents talk about how they are so proud of me. How they are so blessed to have such a smart daughter who can do more with her life. And to be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared of failure and messing up, the thought of not doing something right scares me. How do I go up to my parents and tel them I can't do it? They would be devastated. To have a girl who got through high school to not be able to take the next step in her life like they way they thought I could.

I'm not going to lie, I'm intimidated by almost everyone I have class with. Why? Well, I feel like they are smarter than me. That they are capable of doing more than I am. I see that kid over to the right who has everything organized. He has perfect notes with perfect grades and perfect assignments done for the professor. And there's that girl over to my left. She was valedictorian of her graduating class. She doesn't even have to open a book to study, that's how smart she is. Her parents went to this college and she's following in their footsteps. Her parents are proud. And what am I? Yeah, I made it through high school. I had good grades and made it on the honor roll. But I'm not that organized. I can't memorize things in one day. And I don't have parents to guide me through college.

Sometimes I feel like my parents expect too much from me. They want me to be like that girl and guy in my class. But how can I when I am nothing like them? I'm trying. Everyday I am trying my hardest to make my parents proud. To show people that just because my parents didn't get a college education does not mean I can't. I love my parents, they're the reason why I am here going to college, getting the education I need. Being the first is hard because they just don't understand how much I am dealing with. They don't get that it is hard. And that, yes others can do this with no problem but it's hard for me because I have no guidance.

There are days when I sit down and think, "Am I doing all of this for nothing?" Is it worth putting myself through all of this stress and being afraid to fail everyday? The truth is, it is a good feeling to know that I am the first to go to college and I will be able to make a name for my family. But it's not fun living every single day, especially during college, with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not making them proud. Fear that people were right; that I can't do this.

But it is with all that fear that I am able to build up strength. Strength to keep going and to never give up. It's going to be hard. I will be going through obstacles and I am most definitely going to want to give up. But as I remember how important this is to my parents, for me to do this to finish college, I realize I have to keep going forth and prove to people that just because I come from a different family doesn't mean I am not capable of the same thing.