" I'm fine. I promise."
How many times have you uttered those words? Have you lied and told someone that you were okay when honestly, inside you're trying not to crumble into a ball and weep for no reason. The phrase "I'm fine." Is the one that many people were struggling with anxiety and depression often mutter. Why? Becuase we want to be fine, or we don't want you to know what is wrong because you can't fix it anyway.
No, I'm not fine. I'm miserable, to be honest. Sure I've got a job. I've got a car, a house, groceries in the house and family that loves me. To most people that should be enough, and for them it may be. That doesn't mean I'm not still sad.
The problem that people do not seem to understand is that you can be happy and sad. It's not a switch that can be flipped on and off. I can sit here, seeing all of my accomplishments and still feel completely worthless.
Do you know how hard it is to focus even when you've made a list of every single thing that you need to do that day? How can you stare at the words and yet they do not transfer back into your brain? You know you wrote them, that they are important and actions must be taken on them and yet, they just do not connect, and you do nothing about it.
We are good at hiding it. The soul-crushing despair because we know that there is no legitimate reason for it. We just feel this way. We are 'fine', really we are. We don't want to burden you more than you already are. After all, you are probably the only one to notice enough to ask, and yet, we cannot tell you.
We tell ourselves we are fine, hoping that if we think it long enough we will begin to believe it and we really will be that way. We sure do hope so. It affects everything we do. We don't sleep, we eat but barely. Sometimes we just get up and go through the motions to avoid someone being upset with us.
I've heard the talking and the misunderstanding of what is wrong. The shock and pity of some people. Depression is not easy to deal with and it sometimes takes more out of the person to fight it but we do. We fight and we hide and we repeat the cycle.
Sure we could tell you what is wrong. How are you going to fix it? Listening helps but it is only a balm. It is not a fix, a solution. We allow things to get under our skin faster, we feel as if all of the necessary things keep piling up because they do because we cannot find the motivation to see it through.
So much of our struggles are in our mind and yet the mind is the thing that drives us forward. Even when we are feeling worthless we work, and go to school and perform daily functions. We strive to be fine, to move forward.
It's ok, because I am fine, or rather I will be, one day.
