I've never been confident. I've never walked past a mirror after getting out of the shower and was happy with what I saw. I've been aware of my flaws my whole life. Is that not normal? Are people not supposed to acknowledge their own flaws? Are we just supposed to let others do it for us?
"You look great!" says a coworker, friend or passerby. "Thanks!" I exclaim back, thinking to myself "No I don't." Struggling with weight [and skin] problems really does a lot of damage to a person's self esteem. I know that most people only give a compliment if they genuinely mean it but it's so hard to take it for face-value when you don't understand why they said it. In order for me to begin to take a compliment for face-value, I had to learn about and understand my own body.
I know I'm not disgusting and I know I'm not a fat slob. I know that I dress quite nicely and always put on decent makeup. I know that people see me for more than my weight or other imperfections, but why do I put so much emphasis on it myself?
I place a strong emphasis on my flaws because if I didn't, I would have no room for self-improvement. If I'm out shopping, cannot find a dress that fits right and say "I'm just a large woman"- a phrase that I use quite often- you don't need to respond with "No, you're not!" Yes, yes I am. I know that I am and it's okay. My stating that I am large doesn't mean that I am pitying myself or talking down on my appearance, I'm simply stating why the clothes aren't fitting the way that I had hoped.
I appreciate your defense, I know that you say these things to make me feel better. The funny part is that...I don't actually feel badly. Do I sometimes feel like absolute crap after not finding a single thing to wear that I think looks good? Sure. Don't we all?! But, in this moment, I'm stating my size just as a fact, not as self-inflicted hate. I realize that saying I am "large" may not sound the nicest but I promise, it's okay to just laugh away the awkwardness that may follow it.
So, how come words like "fat" and "large" have a negative connotation but words like "skinny" and "small" are considered positive? If a woman says that she is a "Just a small woman," people may agree, praise the comment like a compliment or even think that that person is being overconfident. Not often is there a counter of "No, you're not!" So how come it happens to us fat folk?
Acknowledging my weight has helped me to live a healthier lifestyle. Noticing that my legs, belly, arms and back have unwanted fat on them has helped me to improve my quality of life through clothing styling changes, healthier diet, exercise and self-love.
"I'm just a large woman" who may not like what she sees in the mirror right now but will someday. Someday, someone else may love what they see when they look at me, too. Love comes to those who love themselves.
I do not pity myself, I am learning to love myself, one flaw at a time.
