My parents split in the summer of my junior year of high school. While my father gave a bountiful amount of years to my family, I imagine that some of his first moments back in his hometown of St.Louis were refreshing for him.
Considering he conveyed his last few moments up north were excruciating. As he had little to no interest in holding the fish hooks in the corners of his mouth anymore, masking the discomfort that the complete culture 180 provoked to come out in him. Now I'm sure he intended on hiding it for the entirety of his life that he didn't truly want to continue living here, in Connecticut. But I suppose it just ate too deep for him to continue looking at his family, and life that was crafted here, through hollow eyes. Day after day passed as he began to re root himself back in the dark, culture enriched soil of St.Louis. His mother was there, and old friends peppered in throughout the city. All in all, many things had changed there, but it was still better than here. He retired and found work there seemingly as if it was already set for him to fall into, while things were just beginning to truly unfold here.
As the dust began to settle in the arena, and my mother had drew her final stone, with slingshot in hand, took her last blows at my father in the final months of the divorce. After the valiant attempt at the promised, mature and civil demeanor toward each other. My father let the distance be his coverage, and as it almost seemed as if he was climbing to a from through the shadows he became so cryptic.
Things undoubtedly got worse before they begun to get better. I was very bitter and spiteful for a long time. I harbored hatred, and could snap on or at any friend or family member at anytime with no hesitation. I found myself being pestered by loud, borderline violent self loathing. But, to no quick feat, the hatred began to dilute with other emotions for the first time in months and I began to see some of the blessings that my father leaving instilled in me. How I could be strong without him there to guide me, though it was a tough task. Or, that I could even do the tedious and laborious task of caring for my yard, mowing, fertilizing, nurturing. That began to translate into my everyday life, slowly but surely. I began to integrate step by step all of those things that I believe I was simply trained to do.
I, like my father, am an incredibly simple woman. Once I had the ability to relinquish any self doubt, or fear about my capabilities as an adult, I was able to complete much more without even trying. The days began to cease feeling like centuries when they passed, and over time, though the days would still come in and out, though my house was still blue, and at this point I was sliding on my “Journeys” brand, Graphic tee for work, I was finally tuned back in. My world, unfroze, and the shackles themselves would combust, freeing my hands, freeing me physically, and freeing my mind to so many other beneficial options and points of view. Lifting the stigma from yourself that you are a victim, and empowering yourself to see over the horizon of the them seemingly impending doom of the current situation can speak volumes. As my mother always told me “ nothing is the same in 90 days, so you gotta push pass to see what gods got for you.”
So, in turn, I thank my father for teaching me lessons, even through his lowest moments. I have learned great things about myself, and my strength through these events. I only ever look to be prosperous and excel, for me.
