Just a bit over a week ago, my family took a trip to Arizona for a wedding. Later this summer we'll be heading to another wedding. It'll all make for an interesting break, not just because I've been to barely any weddings, but because the weddings are on opposite ends of the cultural spectrum. The first was an Afghani wedding, the latter will be an American one. Both weddings are for cousins on the two different sides of my family. It's an interesting bit of cultural flip-flopping which is reflected by what's going on inside my head. Different cultures call for different expectations, different traditions, different religions, and on and on and on.
To be completely honest, I have a hard time with culture. With an American parent and an Afghani parent, I've always found my sense of culture to be a bit of a struggle. I remember those little identity assignments teachers would pull out in grade school to be a bit crisis-inducing because I'd start questioning things about myself, my sense of belonging, my feelings of rightness in certain situations over others. It can be hard, trying to place yourself. I know in situations where I'm surrounded by Americans, I feel more in touch with my Afghani side, and in situations with Afghans, I feel more in touch with my American self. I dislike that I'm not just at ease in my own skin all the time, but I'm trying to get there. You are who you believe yourself to be after all... but I have a hard time sometimes deciding who I believe I am.
Things are made both more simple and more difficult when you toss religion into the mix. Being Muslim, my family pushes aside any cultural ideas or traditions that contradict Islam or are seen as unnecessary and distracting. It means that I have a strong Muslim identity, but it also means that among Afghans and Americans, I don't have the same depth of cultural understanding. More than an outsider would, sure, but it still feels like being on the fringe of acceptance into a group. It's a bit odd to go meet and talk with people that everyone around you expects you to relate with when you simply can't -- not completely, anyway. Explaining my culture to people, most usually the Afghani side of it, feels a lot like being a substitute teacher who only ever received a quarter of the lesson plan for the day. I know things, I've grown up being around my two cultures, I've been exposed to people and music and clothing and language, but I still feel a bit lost. Like maybe I'm faking who I am. It's an interesting experience, trippy and frightening. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to instill a sense of cultural identity in my kids if I have any. But that's a bit too far to worry about just now.
I suppose what I'm getting at here is that I constantly walk around with the sense that I'm trying to juggle pieces of myself. These weddings will be eye-opening. The first one certainly was full of learning moments for me. I recognized that while it was great to learn about how Afghans celebrate weddings, and great to get another glimpse into Afghani life outside my own family's, I definitely would not have fit in there long term. I think the American wedding will be similar. I belong fleetingly, but that's alright. At least, I'm working to a point where I feel it's alright. I'm not one thing or the other, but I think that's enough sometimes. I really want it to be enough.
