If you have ever been a rebellious high school teen with even a moderate level of writing talent, you have likely considered stating your opinion through the most painstakingly accurate tool of criticism: satire. So now, free from the possibility of persecution from my high school, I would like to share the original article I had written in response to my high school creating a new policy requiring students to wear IDs on them at all times due to safety concerns:
“NEW POLICY UNANIMOUSLY SUPPORTED!!!”
After the groundbreaking idea to require students to wear IDs has gained momentum, administration has decided to continue these efforts through the implementation of several reform efforts. Firstly, administration has new research that suggests that, by treating students like prisoners, they are more likely to feel equitable, inclusive and collaborative. By introducing obstacles such as gate checkpoints, concertina wire, electrified fencing, secured and defensible main gates, armed guard towers, security lighting, motion sensors, dogs and roving patrols, the administration believes it can help students feel safer and more apt to join together for common goals. The momentum for this system has of course been established by the unanimous support for an ID System.
While critics bring up futile concerns such as privacy rights and fourth amendment anxieties, administration has pointed out several areas in which the implementation of a similar system has yielded positive results. Using ADX Florence Federal Prison and older models of Alcatraz as examples, administration has been quick to point out the benefits of hyperactive labeling and identification in a safe setting. An unnamed official (who insisted his name not be disclosed for security reasons) has stated that the visible identification of individuals is the primary goal for secondary education, and that historically speaking, groups which have been numbered and labeled have always been more inclined to obedience. The unnamed official quoted Adolf Hitler saying, “He alone who owns the youth gains the future.” Thus it is clear that the administration must act with the best intentions of its students.
Another primary concern for the school system is the safety of its student body. Studies show that by forcing students to wear IDs, school shooters will have a more difficult time selecting specific targets, and any stranger who enters the building will have increased difficulty in falsifying their identity when they are presented with dozens of names of students who will be freely roaming the hallway. Finally, one of the biggest benefits of forcing identification cards upon students is the assistance it can offer teachers in establishing personal relationships with their students.
Rather than requiring personel to learn the names and personalities of the student body, the new system can allow teachers to develop deeper connections with each individual—from student L1875A to student L1875Z! Additionally, teachers create more classroom distractions in regards to lost IDs, cards placed in inappropriate locations and of course the exceedingly dangerous free-thinking Advanced Placement student who does not want to be submitted to prison-like conditions. While there may still be questions as to the creation, implementation, legality, safety, necessity, effectiveness, authority, maintenance, and supervision of the new policy to require students to wear ID’s, the clear widespread support spreads ease through the minds of parents, teachers, and students alike, who will all feel safer and more apt to participate in the education system with the knowledge that students will all be required to wear plastic strips in a currently undisclosed location
- Choke, Watt A.
