I came to college with a “kind of” idea of what I wanted: get out of my hometown, get on a stable career path that will bring financial stability, and maybe find somewhere or someone that makes me want to settle down. That being said, I started out in the business school at my university because I found a major I thought would be fun and interesting and eventually would let me make a living off of it. However, at about midterms I easily came to the conclusion that if I was doing anything business related in the future then my life would be completely unfulfilled, and this negative attitude I had towards it directly influenced my schoolwork. My GPA was nowhere near what it should have been or what I wanted it to be. I was turned away or shut down by anything I went out of my comfort zone to do, and I was extremely unhappy with where I was and what I was doing. Despite the sour circumstances (I also had a roommate I couldn’t stand), I made it a point to stick it out in this place another semester so long as I changed my major to something I could actually picture myself enjoying. Spur of the moment decisions the week before classes start is usually tricky, but I was thankful that I did it and happy to be doing something I was actually confident in. Thanks to the switch, I had increased over a full grade point in the next semester and increased my overall GPA to something that I wasn’t completely ashamed of. For the time being, I was content with life.

However, it wasn’t always blueberries and paper airplanes (or as people unfamiliar with the bachelorette would say, sunshine and rainbows) and I had to return home to a very harsh reality. I spent a lot of the summer by myself. I didn’t go after any internships for the fear of being shut down again, and didn’t try to get a job because I just didn’t have any motivation or desire to do anything. Although I was somewhat happier with my grade situation, I was extremely unhappy with life as a whole. And as hard as it is to admit, returning to my university was the very last thing I wanted to do (and yet here I am for year two). I’ve been back here for three weeks and it doesn’t feel like home anymore, even though last year I wrote an article about college feeling more like home than my actual home. I’m not excited to be here. Even though I try to change this everyday by talking about how my classes are enjoyable or trying to apply for exec positions for events I liked last year, nothing is working. I know what you’re thinking: “then go home or go somewhere else”, but it’s not that simple. The main problem here is that I know I wouldn’t be happy if I went back home either. And I can’t guarantee that I would be happy transferring schools or changing my major again. I keep getting asked “if you could do anything right now and money wasn’t an issue, what would it be?” and it kills me that I can never give the asker a solid answer.

The truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, and I’m still trying to figure out how to be okay with that.

I have no idea what would make me happiest. I don’t know where I want to settle down or even if I want to settle down at all. I don’t know what I want to major in or what career would suit me best while having a good combination of money and passion. I don’t know if I want to stay at this university because I don’t know what will happen if I leave. What I do know is that I am terrified that any decision I make now will hurt so many more people than just me. I know that someday I want to be so happy and have a happy life and people who are happy for me. Right now I can’t say that I know for sure that I can achieve that though. Life is up in the air at this point. But as my mom always says, life is about the journey, not the destination. I may not know where my life is going or how to get there or how to enjoy this journey, but as long as I’m alive, I’m trying my hardest to make the most of it. For right now I guess that’s all I can hope for.