Let me explain.
Do you ever feel like your life has reached the point where you don't know why things are happening the way that they are? You don't want to live, but you don't want to die either.
Living has started to feel pointless, but death proposes too many unknowns and what-ifs. Contrary to popular belief, for someone who thinks about death a lot, I am terrified of dying. What will happen after I die? What happens to my family? Will I go to Heaven? I don't want to die. My life is beautiful. I am so loved. This life that I have been given is a gift that I should be appreciative of, right?
But I'm not.
Simply put: I hate mine.
I know there's someone out there who knows exactly what this feels like.
I can't be the only person to admit that the day-to-day task of merely existing as a functional member of society can seem like a chore. Don't get me wrong. I have a beautiful life and a happy, healthy family; yet, I don't feel like my life is worth living.
I'm not an important figurehead of modern society. I don't turn heads when I walk into a room. I won't be graduating at the top of my class. Besides my close friends, which is like a small group of about three people, no one is interested in what I have to say. I know a lot of people, but a lot of people don't know me.
Most days anxiety holds me back and makes it hard for me to put myself out there and find other people who could understand me. I envy the girls who can so effortlessly walk into a room and demand respect and attention. I wish I could assert myself like that, but I've become so accustomed to being ignored and talked over that I clam up into a corner. I've just never fit in.
If I'm not the most attractive, the top of my class, or the most outgoing, if I'm not making friends, and if I'm not using my voice to spark movements, then why am I even alive? What exactly is my purpose?
Finding my purpose here on this earth has been a struggle. Especially recently. Every day feels like I am stuck in a television series that you throw onto your TV as background noise when you're busy doing other tasks. Anti-climactic, repetitive, an endless cycle of punchlines that continually become less and less funny. But instead of the Netflix box popping up and asking, "are you still watching?" I keep rolling through the anti-climactic episodes of my life that bring no joy, fulfillment, or satisfaction.
I feel like an old sweater. You know the one in the back of your closet that you haven't worn in three years, but that will continue to stay there because it brings your life a sense of security and normalcy. It remains there in the back corner of your closet as an ode to happier times. I am that sweater. I am a shell of a person once filled with motivation, happiness, a sense of purpose, and a drive to change the world.
I don't want to waste the little life that I have been given. I am only 19, almost 20, and I have so many more years left to appreciate the time I've been given and to make memories out of it. I know I will be something someday, however, the journey to becoming that something is exhausting.
I've learned over the past few years that it's quite common to feel this way when trying to navigate the trials of early adulthood. A good friend told me the other day, "some seasons of your life bring more rain, but that doesn't mean there won't be sunny days in the future." There is more to my life than these feelings of worthlessness.
So here I am, continually having to remind myself that while this journey of life is mentally and physically draining, it is worth it. I am learning to accept the fact that I may not have all the answers to what my future holds — accepting that it's okay not to be okay. Permitting myself not to be okay and understanding that I won't always have it together.
Just because I don't know what my future holds doesn't mean that this life is worthless. Just because I may not understand what my purpose here on Earth is now, doesn't mean that I don't have one.
To those who have felt or are feeling like they are stuck without purpose in a scene that never seems to end: It will get better.
You're not alone in how you feel. Trust me; I'm right there with you.
You are beautiful and worthy of life.
If you or someone you know is thinking about hurting themselves, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help is out there. You are not alone.