Sometimes Living Feels Pointless, But I Don't Want To Die
Start writing a post

Let me explain.

Do you ever feel like your life has reached the point where you don't know why things are happening the way that they are? You don't want to live, but you don't want to die either.

Living has started to feel pointless, but death proposes too many unknowns and what-ifs. Contrary to popular belief, for someone who thinks about death a lot, I am terrified of dying. What will happen after I die? What happens to my family? Will I go to Heaven? I don't want to die. My life is beautiful. I am so loved. This life that I have been given is a gift that I should be appreciative of, right?

But I'm not.

Simply put: I hate mine.

I know there's someone out there who knows exactly what this feels like.

I can't be the only person to admit that the day-to-day task of merely existing as a functional member of society can seem like a chore. Don't get me wrong. I have a beautiful life and a happy, healthy family; yet, I don't feel like my life is worth living.

I'm not an important figurehead of modern society. I don't turn heads when I walk into a room. I won't be graduating at the top of my class. Besides my close friends, which is like a small group of about three people, no one is interested in what I have to say. I know a lot of people, but a lot of people don't know me.

Most days anxiety holds me back and makes it hard for me to put myself out there and find other people who could understand me. I envy the girls who can so effortlessly walk into a room and demand respect and attention. I wish I could assert myself like that, but I've become so accustomed to being ignored and talked over that I clam up into a corner. I've just never fit in.

If I'm not the most attractive, the top of my class, or the most outgoing, if I'm not making friends, and if I'm not using my voice to spark movements, then why am I even alive? What exactly is my purpose?

Finding my purpose here on this earth has been a struggle. Especially recently. Every day feels like I am stuck in a television series that you throw onto your TV as background noise when you're busy doing other tasks. Anti-climactic, repetitive, an endless cycle of punchlines that continually become less and less funny. But instead of the Netflix box popping up and asking, "are you still watching?" I keep rolling through the anti-climactic episodes of my life that bring no joy, fulfillment, or satisfaction.

I feel like an old sweater. You know the one in the back of your closet that you haven't worn in three years, but that will continue to stay there because it brings your life a sense of security and normalcy. It remains there in the back corner of your closet as an ode to happier times. I am that sweater. I am a shell of a person once filled with motivation, happiness, a sense of purpose, and a drive to change the world.

I don't want to waste the little life that I have been given. I am only 19, almost 20, and I have so many more years left to appreciate the time I've been given and to make memories out of it. I know I will be something someday, however, the journey to becoming that something is exhausting.

I've learned over the past few years that it's quite common to feel this way when trying to navigate the trials of early adulthood. A good friend told me the other day, "some seasons of your life bring more rain, but that doesn't mean there won't be sunny days in the future." There is more to my life than these feelings of worthlessness.

So here I am, continually having to remind myself that while this journey of life is mentally and physically draining, it is worth it. I am learning to accept the fact that I may not have all the answers to what my future holds — accepting that it's okay not to be okay. Permitting myself not to be okay and understanding that I won't always have it together.

Just because I don't know what my future holds doesn't mean that this life is worthless. Just because I may not understand what my purpose here on Earth is now, doesn't mean that I don't have one.

To those who have felt or are feeling like they are stuck without purpose in a scene that never seems to end: It will get better.

You're not alone in how you feel. Trust me; I'm right there with you.

You are beautiful and worthy of life.

If you or someone you know is thinking about hurting themselves, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit to live chat with someone. Help is out there. You are not alone.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

23 Pandemic-Approved Date Ideas That'll Send Sparks Flying From Six Feet Apart

There's a safe way to date right now and yes, it includes masks.


While some people would rather opt out of dating altogether during the pandemic so they don't have to wear a mask on a first date, others are choosing to listen to both guidelines and their heart in order to find love during the time of coronavirus (COVID-19).

Should you be one of the individuals welcoming romance right now, there are pandemic-approved dates you can go on that still adhere to guidelines (and yes, you'll have to wear a mask).

Keep Reading... Show less

20 Books About Latin And Hispanic Heritage Absolutely Everyone Should Have On Their Bookshelf

Any ally of the community needs to be reading these incredible reads.


I go through phases when it comes to what I like to read. I am typically reading two books at any given time: one serious nonfiction and one escapist fiction novel to have on hand and open up depending on my mood.

What remains consistent, however, amongst most of my fellow bibliophiles is a desire to try new and different authors and genres. I, as an Indian woman, have been partial to reading books written by fellow Indian and Desi writers since I first got a library card.

Keep Reading... Show less

In our patriarchal society, men hide from their feelings, but toxic masculinity is literally killing men. They swallow the pain and move on so that they can look, feel, and act "tough."

But, strength is derived from asking for help and voicing your struggle and, trust me, working on your mental health is one hell of a struggle. The real way to "man up" is to acknowledge the downfalls in unjust societal norms. Mental health problems do not mean that a man is weak, they are neurologically-based disorders that require professional treatment.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

I Asked 46 Women What They Thought About The Term 'Plus-Size', And Here's What They Had To Say

It's 2020, where change is inevitable and norms are not only questioned, but challenged.


We live in a world where it's become customary to push boundaries, break rules, and question standards upheld by society. Though try as we might, some of these standards are harder to conquer than others — body image is one of the top contenders.

For years, the body positivity movement has pushed for the acceptance of all marginalized body types not represented or celebrated in the media. Recently, we've gotten better at appreciating and accepting all body types, but one thing that's still lingering is the stigma of body image in the fashion industry — more specifically, the term "plus-size."

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

Sorry, But 'I Don’t Care About Politics' Is Not A Valid Excuse For NOT Voting

The younger generation of voters is so crucial to the upcoming election because our vote is going to shape the world that we are about to enter as adults.


When I ask my friends if they are voting this term most of them respond with "no" followed by an explanation of "I don't care enough," "It doesn't affect me," or "I don't keep up with politics," etc. I get it, as a college student I know that there are many other things to be concerned about like school, relationships, work, and friends. I also understand that keeping up with politics can seem like trying to keep up with an over-exaggerated reality show that has way too many seasons. Not to mention most news stations and websites are biased so it's hard to decipher if what you hear is true or fake.

However, despite all of this annoyance, as the next generation of Americans, we have to remember that we owe it to ourselves, our families, and to our futures to care.

Keep Reading... Show less

Taylor Swift Sang 'betty' At The ACMs And It Was The Perfect First Live 'folklore' Performance

I guarantee that Inez is spreading rumors about how fire this performance was.


The Academy of Country Music Awards were last night and the performances were wonderful, but Taylor Swift's live version of "betty" from her newest album "folklore" really took the cake for me.

Keep Reading... Show less
Photo by Anna Hernández-Buces

"Do you have big parties on Cinco de Mayo?"

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

9 Reasons I Unfollowed All The Fitness Influencers On My Instagram Feed

I don't need to feel bad about myself because of who I follow on social media.


Throughout quarantine, something that a lot of us picked up on was working out. With all the free time, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to work on that "dream bod" you've been wanting for years, or to just feel good about yourself.

A common way to stay motivated and keep yourself on-task is to follow fitness influencers on various platforms. For some people, yes, this can be a healthy and helpful way to keep your drive. In other cases, however, this can do more harm than good.

Keep Reading... Show less

The Ultimate Guide To Being A Latinx And Hispanic Community Ally

Educate and celebrate their culture to lift the community up.


It's well known that the Gen-Z and millennial generations are more passionate about social justice and conscious about their decisions as consumers as any other generation to come before us.

For these generations, making mindful decisions about where we like to allocate our money, who we choose to follow on Instagram, and even the books we like to read are extremely important to us. With the rise of the digital age, we are constantly consuming media and content, and so there's no longer an excuse for being uneducated if we want to be educated on a wide range of cultures.

Keep Reading... Show less

It was a day we all knew would possibly come but hoped it never would. The day the outbreak hit.

I remember, back in March, I was just about to return home from a socially distanced vacation in my Florida home with my mom and grandpa, when my dad called to tell us he was feeling sick. At the time, President Trump hadn't closed the borders, my school was still going back after Easter, and sheer panic hadn't yet flooded our news outlets. We were meant to return home on Saturday, but when the borders closed on Thursday, things got a little more serious.

Keep Reading... Show less

21 Romance Novels You'll Fall In Love With By The Fire

It's time to cozy up and fantasize about our fav fictional love stories.


Recently, I found myself reading a bunch of romance novels and it's truly unleashing the romantic side of me. With fall weather nearing, it's the perfect time to cozy up with a good book and ignite the romantic flame in your hearts with the turn of every page.

Here are 21 romantic books you should read this fall, some I've read (hence the reviews), and some I'm hoping to get my hands on.

Keep Reading... Show less

There is a lot going on in the world right now, much of which is contributing to the mental health crisis we've found ourselves in. While it would be fantastic to snap our fingers and jump out of our rut, that's not exactly how these things work. Thankfully, small, sustainable steps can make a huge difference in your mental wellbeing.

Keep Reading... Show less

These 10 Oversized Graphic Tees Are JUST As Cute As Urban Outfitters — And They're All Under $30

There is never a bad time to get some new oversized graphic tees, especially when they're all under $30.


While we all love Urban Outfitters' graphic tees, it can be hard to justify a $40 T-shirt, so I am always on the hunt to find cheaper alternatives that are just as stylish! Thrifting is always an option for authentic, vintage tees, but we don't always have the time to search through the endless aisles of Goodwill.

Lucky for you, there are still affordable alternatives that don't require quite as much effort.

Keep Reading... Show less

On Monday, "Dancing with the Stars" returned to our televisions with their 29th season. This season featured a lot of different changes including a new host, a new judge as well as a new judging system.

Among these changes, there were also changes to account for the coronavirus pandemic. Some of these changes included practicing socially distancing as well as different filming practices.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments