At family dinners, I would always sit and stare into space for moments at a time. My grandpa would always catch me in my zone, pull out a penny from his pocket, and say, "A penny for your thoughts?"

I'd laugh but would refuse to say what I was thinking.

Later, I would think to myself, "Should I have been more open? Should I have said what was on my mind?"

At socials with friends, I love to mingle and walk around and laugh and joke, until an hour or two passes by and my social clock ticks faster and faster.

I shut down and give my friends the "I'm ready to go, are you?" look.

So jealous because they're able to enjoy still the laughter while I'd rather enjoy the still quiet spaces of solitude.

Later, I would think to myself, "Am I being a "Debbie Downer?" I don't mean to suck up the fun."

At holiday breaks, I come home and stay in my room for hours at a time. I'd come up to eat, to do laundry, or if I need fresh air upstairs. I sit and meditate and reflect. Sometimes too much.

I was told that it doesn't make me open. That I tend to hibernate. That I shut the world out. That it's not giving enough.

Later, I would think, wait, more like over-analyze, to myself, "Is it selfish that I like time alone? Is too much of solitude a bad thing?"

I am a thinker. If you couldn't tell.

I find it better to write a letter or text message or poem or story or article about what's on my mind instead of verbalizing it.

I am not the best communicator. I guess.

I let my actions speak for themselves but my actions are perceived unpleasant.

When I do speak, I feel as though my words never come out how I think in my head.

So, excuse me.

I like to observe so I stay quiet.

I generally wonder if the reason why I'm such an introvert is that of my upbringing.

Blaming my past on the young woman I've become.

Blaming death on the way I try to communicate life.

Blaming rejection on the way I try to communicate acceptance.

Blaming abuse on the way I try to communicate applause.

People often ask, "If you're such an introvert, what makes you enjoy public speaking, or performing, so much?"

What people don't understand is that when I'm speaking out in public, I'm talking to people.

Talking with people is the part that scares me.

Open conversations about my inner thoughts leave me vulnerable although I seek vulnerability from other people.

I'm a complex creature.

And an introvert at heart.

I've grown to understand and love those parts of myself.

I've grown to understand and work on parts that may be toxic.

But one thing is for sure.

I know somebody will be out there listening.

And I won't even have to say a word.