This story is an anonymous account from a Louisiana citizen who was raped. Their words describe the aftermath that they live with to this day. Included in this article are accounts of depression, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. There is strong language used.

“3 years later and I still cringe when I hear your name. I still taste the vomit in my mouth when I smell the drink you gave me. I still freeze when I smell your cologne. I still scream when the wind howls at the same deafening decibels as that once warm summer night. 3 years later and I am still destroyed, I am still broken, I am still hurting.

I used to think that murder was the worst thing a human being could do. I used to think that watching a person take their last breath because of you was the most sadistic thing in the world. I never truly understood hell until I met you.

I trusted you. I let you beat down my walls. I let you know my darkest secrets. I let you hear my cries and see my tears. I let you comfort me. I let the room fill with my laughter when you were the only other person there. I let you see my smile light up a night sky. I let you into my life and become a part of my world. You were my best friend, one that I thought I would love until the day I died. But that all changed the night you raped me.

The night you raped me was not that much different than any other night we had spent together. We stayed at our friend’s house, and we drank with our feet hanging off the dock as we watched the sunset. I remember how much I loved the beginning of the night and how happy I was to be spending a night of fun with you. But now I don’t feel the warmth and happiness that began the night. Now my memories are haunted with demons, darkness, and terror. Now when I think of that night I watch myself die a little. I watch the person I once knew draw their last breath. I watch my childhood smiles fade; hear my laughter turn to screams. I feel myself go numb. I watch the sun set over my innocence as the night brings the worst hell that can ever be imagined.

After that night I was gone forever, leaving behind a shell of the person I once was. When I look in the mirror I don’t see myself, but rather I see a zombie who can barely breathe. I see a disgusting piece of trash, a worthless human that belongs on the streets, and an embarrassment to their family. I see someone that deserves to be beaten and thrown out to the side of the road. I see someone who will never be loved, because how can I be loved. I see a used up whore staring back at me now.

That night you called me a faggot that was asking for it. That night you called me a worthless slut that would always be used for a quick stress relief. That night you taught me that my body wasn’t mine. That night you decided that I could never be loved again. That night you tried to hide your own insecurities by destroying me. The moment you raped me I took my last breath.

I’m not telling this story to forgive you or for sympathy. I’m telling my story because I want my words to finally be heard. I want to heal and be whole again. I want to finally sleep one night without your image haunting me. I can’t sit here any longer and let you continue to kill me every single day. I can’t keep staying up most nights soaking my pillow in tears. I can’t keep screaming at the moon. I can’t keep looking in the mirror and tearing myself apart. I can’t keep pushing everyone I love away from me. I can’t let you define me anymore.

I told my story because I refuse to be labeled as the person that was raped. Instead I want to be the friend who laughs at the dumbest jokes, that cries when I’m happy. I want to be the one that loves unconditionally. I want to be the person that goes on adventures on a whim, who dances like a fool no matter who is watching. I want to be the person that falls in love again. I want to trust again. I want to smile because I’m happy, not because I’m fighting back tears. I want to know my self worth again. I want to be myself again, and that all starts by talking to people. It’s time for me to stop hiding. It’s time for me to breathe again. It’s time for me to live. I refuse to be locked away in your prison any longer. From now on I am going to be me, and I am going to fall in love with the world again.

I used to think that murder was the most heinous crime, that was until the night you raped me.”

According to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men report experiencing attempted or completed sexual assaults or rapes. Every 98 seconds an American falls victim to sexual assault. 80,600 inmates are assaulted every year. 60,000 children are sexually abused every year. 321, 500 Americans over the age of 12 report being sexually assaulted or raped every year.

If you have been sexually assaulted contact 800-656-HOPE.