In honor of the approaching National Dog Day (August 26th), I write this for our flawless canine friends.
It is a universal truth - logical, sound, and unquestionable - that human beings do not deserve dogs. Our canine friends are on such a higher level than us dismal, carnal, base homo sapiens. We are the bronze equivalent to their golden standard.
We're just not as cool as dogs. However, some of us mere mortal people have forgotten this, so here I am acting as the human representative for dogs to remind you all that we never have, do not, and will never deserve dogs.
Our furry, four-legged friends are great. They are the epitome of loyalty. They're simple-minded, and they're not racist. Dogs are supreme while us humans destroy our surrounding world. We do have some good moments as one human race, but our bad moments are beyond awful.
For example, us American folk have nominated an orange ball sack of a man (cough cough Donald Trump) as our Republican presidential candidate for the 2016 race. However, some of us still think we deserve these two pudge muffins.
Fact check: we don't.
Yes, dogs aren't perfect. They shit in yards, on carpets, in shoes, and wherever their creative minds take them. However, us humans shit on people's dreams.
While our nudist colonies terrify young children and frankly everyone who isn't a member of that very colony, canine nudist colonies are the cutest, furriest things that we humans have ever would the privilege of witnessing.
Also, it is important to note that there is a 76.842 percent chance that you have endured a difficult relationship with a despicable human being just because that person had a dog - which is a perfectly valid reason.
Now, let me take a quick survey to further support my argument!
Who's your favorite character from Legally Blonde? That's easy. Bruiser Woods.
Who's your favorite character from Peanuts? Snoopy. It's obvious.
Who's your favorite member of the Mystery Gang? Scooby Doo.
For Shaggy's sake, the whole franchise is named after the dog!
Lastly, who are the real animated Disney relationship goals? Lady and the Tramp. No question.
Dogs are ideal, splendid, unmatched specimens, and we humans do not deserve them. However, dogs do deserve our love.
So go out and love your dogs! If you don't have a dog of your own, love someone else's dog! Or even go adopt a dog of your own and show that dog that humans aren't that bad. Happy National Dog Day! Now, go celebrate with cute fellas like this little guy.
