Many colleges and universities started classes this week, and syllabus week is almost over, kids. Feeling overwhelmed by all the papers you're going to have to write this semester? Don't worry, you'll be just fine. You know why? Because we have one of the brightest stars of our nation in the spotlight right now, and he is going to help us with our essays!

How to write a paper according to Donald Trump:

Paraphrase.

Okay, this first tip actually comes from his wife, Melania. See a quote you like? Use it! Don't even bother with citations -- citing things is too messy and takes too much time. Don't do it. DEFINITELY don't put it in your own words either -- if you're using it as a quote, they obviously put it so eloquently the first time that changing it would simply be detrimental at this point.

You don't need data.

Numbers in an essay? All those numbers and letters mixed together - what is this, algebra? Instead of using actual figures, just say, "Many People." Don't worry: if you're a white man, that will be credibility enough.

If you do use numbers, no one will check them.

Eight out of nine people don't bother checking the veracity of statistics when they are given to them, says a study I made up for the purpose of this article. Instead, spout off numbers to make yourself look credible while calling out someone else in your class for being a liar.

Don't bother to be politically correct.

Political correctness is for hippie liberals and old, tenured professors are anything BUT hippie liberals. Don't leave any minority unscathed!

If you do get a bad grade, tell everyone that the system is rigged.

The grading scale is rigged. Higher education is rigged. Even Microsoft Word is rigged. Trust no one but yourself.