I know what you may be thinking. “Who is this guy to tell me how to write my wonderful clickbait?” Well, I’m a nobody, just like those that write clickbait. So here is my completely qualified advice on how to write clickbait.
1. Pick your subject
This is the hardest part. What you MUST do is find a topic that know very little about. Read one or two biased articles, and form your opinion. Once you’ve done this, you’re halfway home.
2. How can I be halfway finished already?
Why the hell did I put a rhetorical question as one of my 10 tips? Great fucking question. This is an easy way to pile up the number that you will inevitably use to lie to the mark about what and how much they are going to learn.
3. Why did you call the reader a mark?
Have you noticed that I am practicing what I preach? I am asking questions to myself to add up the numbers, and doing so seamlessly. Anyway, the reason to call them a mark is easy: We, clickbait manufacturers, aren’t writers, we are Con-people (gender neutral).
4. Make sure to be safe from all Social Justice Warriors
The internet is flowing with them, that’s why I said Con-People. One misused pronoun and your piece went from trash to trashed. If you fear what you are saying may be misconstrued as racist, sexist, or trans/homo/hetero/pan/bi-phobic, just erase it completely.
5. This will be sure to shock you!
I believe it is mandatory to say in the title that one of the tips, facts, or lifehacks will shock you down to your core
6. Never. Use. Actual. Facts.
I can’t tell you this enough. If you portray to your mark that you are giving them facts, only give them personal experiences that are not, in fact, facts.
7. Cite your sources!
Lol. Just use the phrases, “scientists say,” or, “studies show,” and you’ve basically covered your bases. While the Social Justice Warriors seem to be more prevalent than always, you almost never have to worry about the Plagiarism Police.8. When you run out of ideas, give up on the descriptions.
Not like this
9. More like this?
10. There you go!
You're doing really well, but there is one more thing.
11. Add as many semi-relevant gifs to the post to top it off.
If it is of Neil Patrick Harris portraying Barney Stinson you're doing well.
12. The End.
You've now related to enough of the millennial population to make a piece of pop-trash.
