This is a difficult subject for me, but I will do my best to talk about it. It's pretty obvious that I'm a black woman, and I have had experiences in this life that only other black women can relate to. This entry is not about one of those instances. I think every woman ever born has experienced sexual harassment as some point in their lives. Over the past few weeks, we have been inundated with women speaking out against very famous Hollywood men like Harvey Weinstein taking liberties with the women that they've held power over. Honestly, you take one look at him, and you can tell he's a perv. However, he's a powerful Hollywood perv, and many women have had to navigate his pervy machinations in order to continue having a career in Hollywood, a horrible truth. Us more common women have used the hashtag #metoo (created by the fabulous Tarana Burke) to detail our experiences with sexual harassment and sexual assault. I couldn't read too much. It was a very painful reminder that the equality that I have sought as a woman is still so far away.

Then, we learned recently that Louis CK exposed himself to up and coming comics, under the belief that he had their consent, and masturbated in front of them. I was a fan, and in good conscience, I can no longer be one. For whatever little credit that it's worth, he has apologized for his behavior, but his apology reeks attempting to salvage the dumpster fire that is his career. Unfortunately for him, it doesn't seem to have worked as his movie's release has been cancelled, and several of his projects have been halted. Oh well, so sad (not really), but imagine how his life would be if he simply hadn't whipped it out in front of women he had power over. Reading the accounts of the women that Louis CK violated and his recollection of the events made me realize that men are generally clueless to two things: their entitlement to women's bodies and how women react to danger. So, let's talk about this interesting dynamic.

First things first, if you want to have sexy time with a woman, get her consent. This is the easiest step, and it's also the easiest overlooked. If a woman doesn't say "Yes," then it means "No." Simple, right? Guys, if you say to a woman that you would like to have sex, and if she answers in any way that is not "yes" or some variation of that like "hell yeah" or "I thought you'd never ask," then it's a no! If she says "um..." or "well" or laughs or says nothing at all, it's a no. Move on. Don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. If the woman cannot walk under her own power and has forgotten the English language, she is not of sound mind and body! She cannot consent, and you are committing rape! If she is unconscious, she cannot consent, and you are committing rape! I don't care if she said yes before she passed out! Once she passes out, she can no longer consent, and you are committing rape! You know who agrees with me? The law! While each state may have differences in what constitutes as consent, once a woman says no or is unconscious, consent has been established and continuing is sexual assault and/or rape. There was a very brilliant PSA on the subject, based off a blog that really explains consent pretty well. Take 3 minutes out of your time to watch it.

Got it? Maybe, maybe not, but we're going to continue anyway because the second part of this blog is very important.

Women do not respond in the way you want them to, when they perceive a threat. Yes, I know it's ridiculous. I can say that because I'm a woman, and I know it's ridiculous, but they don't. Now before you go trying to tell me that offering sex isn't a danger, I want you to stop yourself from saying that sentence and think about this from the woman's perspective for a minute. Let's say you're on a date with a lady. You've picked her up from her home, you've driven her to a place she doesn't know, where she feels isolated. Then, you broach the topic of sex. If she's not enthusiastic about it, guess what, fellas? You are now a threat to her safety. I mean, sure, she could say no and walk out, but she has absolutely no assurances that she will get back home safely. She could also try to fight you, but every woman knows that she's not stronger than a man, and we only have a few advantages to win if things get physical. So, what does she do? See, men need to understand that staying to fight or trying to run aren't the only responses that one can experience in the face of danger. Another response is freezing up, not saying or doing anything. This can lead to bad things because a woman who's paralyzed with fear will make bad decisions. Another tactic is to try to appease the threat. Lupita Nyong'o talks about this in her essay with her experience with Harvey Weinstein, when she recounts how she gave him a back massage in an attempt to gain some form of control in a situation that could have spiraled easily, an essay he vehemently denies interestingly enough.

I told myself that I wasn't going to talk about this. I was inspired by this blog, and I wanted to add my own energy to it. Women have to be there for other women, especially when no one else is there for us. As strong as I am now, I'm not immune to these different responses to danger, especially danger of a sexual nature. I think about the things I've experienced, and it hurts. My reactions that I chose sickens me, but at the same time, I'm here to tell the tale. I'm smarter, wiser, and have more inclination to fight back. I'm not content with just surviving anymore. I fully intend to thrive, even if I have to crush a man's blackened soul to do it. Women, we should no longer simply accept harassment as a fact of life. I know some of you aren't strong enough, but I will hold it down for you until you get there. I will always fight for your right to be treated as a human, not as an object. With enough of us, who knows. We might actually change some things.