Halloween approaches by the ring of the last bell, so does the good fortune of candy bars and toothbrushes given out during this night. Then there is the misfortune of certain crimes that could happen on this spooky evening. Come with me as we walk through a simulated evening where we leave alive and return alive.
The first thing to make sure is that you are not dressed as a clown for Halloween; I can infer that because of the recent string of clown-related incidents there will be more police on patrol than usual. It is not a good night to get incarcerated (then again, you wouldn't be doing bad things, right?). I want you all to make it back this night, but not at the expense of another killer clown like Sweet Tooth AKA Needles Kane (for all of you Sony fan boys out there, this is a Twisted Metal reference).
Second, have an illuminating solution ready to withstand the hardships of the night. It is very good when you can decipher a scarecrow from a man/woman flashing you. You can charge them with public indecency and maybe they will stop. If you do encounter a flasher other than a flashlight, please travel in groups and get away. Seek help from a capable official. If you wanted to get flashed, you would have gone to a Promiscuous Pumpkin Party (PPP).
Third, of course, is to inspect your candy for those darn razor blades. One 2015 Ohio case involved a razor blade lodged deep within a Snickers Bar. Although there have been no widespread epidemics of this candy poisoning, it serves more as an admonishment towards children in general and the "White Van" stereotype. If a package of candy looks tampered, immediately discard it, or save it for forensics. Here are some major indicators of trouble: a whitish powder on the candy, cut sections of the packaging, a small opening big enough for a syringe, the word "Spermies" on the box, or a razor blade sticking out of the candy.
Last but certainly not least, make sure that you don't appear too cute or too horny this time of year. Spirit Halloween sells costumes that are aimed towards the Sweet and Sexual, not simple and sensible. If your costume says "Happy Halloweenie", then you know it's time to skip the elementary schools and re-evaluate your costume choices. Long Johns aside, this is the time to let loose for once behind a mask and show the world that you too can be a happy person. Join up with some friends, and have some fun! But really, try not to get destroyed out there: it's a dangerous trick-or-treat-or-die world.
