During college, I had several consecutive semesters in which I failed at least two classes. My GPA started significantly dropping, and I started losing financial aid. Why was this happening? It wasn't like I wasn't a bright student. Several people, including family members, close friends, and even acquaintances, would at times brag about my intelligence and supposed intellectual brilliance.
I won't go into all the details of what caused my grades to slip, but I will mention three things that contributed to my decline and some ways I have managed to improve that might be encouraging to you.
As an older undergrad who was close to 30-years-old during my first semester, I can tell you that it is difficult to form and maintain good, stable friendships in school when you're significantly older than over half the student body. Yes, I have the right to make that claim because I know the average age for young people entering college. Anyhow, over the course of my second year and beyond, I began to feel more isolated. I started feeling like I couldn't relate to most undergrads because I felt I was at a different stage in life than they were, despite also being in college.
On the other hand, I wasn't feeling connected to off-campus students because they had a radically different schedule than I did. At that time, I didn't have a close friendship with my roommate, who was practically the only person I saw on a regular basis, along with his then-girlfriend. When you feel you have a hard time relating to undergrads and have a tough time finding time to invest in people who live off campus, it's a hard spot to be in.
Another reason I felt I couldn't relate to many undergrads was that I felt so many had been sheltered and hadn't been exposed to certain things I had been. For example, when I was taking a class on worldview in my second semester, I was very surprised – even if I wasn't appalled – at how the pro-life position on abortion was defended. The only opposing pro-choice view that was discussed was from a Planned Parenthood pamphlet, which was honestly a pathetic defense of abortion.
There are plenty of better arguments defending abortion rights – I don't agree with any of them – other than that pamphlet. But the fact that these undergrad students weren't exposed to some better arguments defending abortion made me wonder how well prepared they were for the secular world. I had been exposed to better arguments and as a result, I felt I couldn't really relate to them because it seemed to me they only had Scripture as their defense and nothing else.
My passion for my major – philosophy – was declining. When you start losing passion for why you're in school, it can be difficult to keep at the assignments. I was losing passion for a variety of reasons. I felt that the student body had a kind of anti-philosophical bias or at least didn't think philosophy mattered. It doesn't help when some people speak of my major as if it isn't that important generally or for Christians in particular when they actually know very little about it. To be completely transparent, I find it annoying and a bit insulting. How could anyone directly or indirectly make an evaluative claim about an area they know very little about?
I also had times of spiritual doubt and occasional bouts of depression and would isolate myself because I didn't think I had anyone I could trust enough to turn to, despite the fact that I always did. I tend to get easily discouraged when things don't go right. So whether we're talking about trying to be godly and not sinning with your body and mind (e.g., pornography and masturbation) or trying to cultivate a good work ethic (e.g., not being lazy and doing homework on time), I would always mess up at some point and would feel down on myself. I would also not tell my family and closest friends because I felt I would be letting them down.
I'm sure you have been there before. Your family looks up to you. They adore you. They respect you. They think the world of you. They're so proud of you. But you fail repeatedly and feel deep shame and remorse. If you're anything like me, you wouldn't tell them because you would be frightened to disappoint them. You would be determined to fix these problems without having to discuss them with someone.
A lack of trust in other people outside my family and closest friends was also due to thinking they were incompetent, primarily because I thought they had no deeper answers to my struggles with certain things other than simply quoting a Bible verse or a Christianese phrase/cliché.
With all of that being said, I am much more positive and upbeat – that's an odd word to describe me – about this year. God has given me a new outlook on life, and I am living it out to the best of my ability and depending on Him the entire way. Here are some takeaways that might encourage you if you are struggling as I did.
The fact you're still here fighting through your struggles shows your strength, not your weakness. It's easy to quit and give up when you struggle. But by fighting through with determination with the Lord's help, you can make it.
God is very gracious and gentle with His children who struggle to do right. God disciplines us all but is gentler to those who aren't indifferent, but who care deeply about being godly and feel shame when messing up. God isn't finished with you. He will see you through. Just hang on.
Your struggles are forming your character and ability to relate to future people you'll reach who God will send your way. Struggling sucks. We all know it. I would rather experience triumph all the time and not struggle. But struggling is part of life. Don't beat yourself up simply because you struggle. We are all human even though we have a high calling to live up to.
Finally, muster up the courage to be transparent and real to those people you definitely know love you so much. They can handle your struggles. The right people will love you gently through your valleys and struggles. God will always be there to see you through. It takes a lot of strength to talk about failures and struggles. But how liberating it is when you do.
