1. Stop reciting "Communion." Every time you get close to forgetting his fist, all curled up with the hatred of the world spread across his knuckles whispering sweet nothings across your mothers cheek bones, your face swells with pain for the both of them. When he looks at you he sees her. A swollen mouth filled with blood and salt, fingerprints dusting a fragile throat, a body sprawled out on the bedroom floor, and when he can't look at you. Stare at him.
2. Call him more, but change the way your voice sounds on the phone. Don't remind him of the voice that pleaded him to think of his daughter in the other room.
3. When you call, tell him you miss him. Even if you don't.
4. When he hugs you, don't stand stiff and uncomfortable. Hug him back, whisper a prayer in his ear, tell him you forgive him. Even if you don't.
5. When he gets angry at you because you don't want to spend the night over his house, don't cry. When he screams in your face because you are crying, don't tell him it's because you're afraid of being alone with him. When he raises his fists in annoyance because he just doesn't understand why his daughter trembles like a quake at the thought of him, do not flinch. Rush to him and hug him, do not let go like his mother did, hug him until he feels weak in your arms. Hug him until the pools in his eyes get drained, don't say anything. Don't tell him the lie that he's less of a man because he has feelings, tell him the truth. Tell him that having feelings is apart of being a human being. Just hold your father until his fists decide they no longer need to prepare for a war.
6. When he tells you to hand him his phone when it rings, pray for the woman whose contact name is a misogynistic slur. Look him in the eyes and tell him women aren't possessions, smile at him. Remind him that you're a woman.
7. When he asks you to go to the movies to spend a day with him, call work and apologize for calling off at the last minute.
8. When his eyes are red and his speech is violent, give him your happiness instead. Take the anger in his fists, and bat it all against your ribcage. Save your father from himself.
9. When your father asks you if you love him, tell him yes. Tell him that you'd give him every Father's Day award if you could, tell him that every Father's Day hallmark card is directed towards him.
10. When your father asks if you love him. Tell him yes. Tell him the tears you shed for him have never dried.
- k.w.
