There is a point and time where this moment arises where you've had enough. The point where you have no more tears to cry out, the point where you're no longer angry at the person, you're just done. you realize you deserve to be happy again ... I remember the moment when hearing my ex had found someone new, and as much as I wanted to be the first person out of us two to get into a new relationship first, that's just not me. It's not a competition. It shouldn't have to be, and it's only that way if you make it that way. Besides, puffy red eyes aren't cute on anyone.
After that breaking point, you decide to do things for yourself, and for me it took a long time to figure this out myself. You know I didn't want to focus on myself. I just wanted someone new to take away my pain, to distract me and to get me to move on faster like he got to do. It's easier and more convenient ... and I so badly wanted that. But that wasn't my path to take.
So I threw myself into cardio workouts, yoga and writing. And eventually this new, better, stronger version of myself arrived. Her hair was blonder, she got a new job, and she even for once had a confidence that no one could take away from her. I made myself proud.
Being ready to love again is one thing, but actually loving someone new is an entirely different thing. So here are to the people that are afraid to love again ... and yes, that includes myself too.
It's scary. It's terrifying. Someone can give you a checklist of their dream person, and even if you change yourself to check off all the boxes, to be exactly what they said they wanted, it still won't be enough. Followed by, "You're a great girl but..." or maybe, "good girl, just shitty timing." It gets old and you sit there asking yourself, what just happened? How can I do everything right and still not end up with this person? It's frustrating I know, but I would rather be alone than be the person they go to next. They're just filling an empty void, and that's not love.
But what is "love" really? Is it butterflies or is that just lust? How does it work? I really don't know, but from my experience I believe love is when they take a train to see you after spending all day at classes, or bring you flowers and soup when you're sick, or even just calling to see how your day was to say goodnight. It's really the small things.
People are going to hurt you. It's a given. But sometimes the risk and the chances are worth it. If the person at the end and you lose them, are they worth that pain after?
I say absolutely, and if I had to get my heart broken all over again, I would in a heartbeat.
