How To Lose Your Wallet
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How To Lose Your Wallet

A Step-By-Step Guide

How To Lose Your Wallet

Too happy with your state of being? Want to really mess your week up?

Well, here's the solution: Just lose your wallet!

Follow this step-by-step guide and you too will be sitting in a pool of constant anxiety.

First: Get a wallet you really like. Not the one you got from your neighbors for your birthday but the one you couldn't see yourself without. For some, that's an over-stuffed Louis Vuitton zip up or a Kate Spade mini wallet that looks more like a purse than a money holder. For others, like myself, a nice piece of worn leather held together with a rubber band will get the job done.

Second: Make sure that everything you could possibly need is in there. $50, cash? Check. Insurance card? Gotcha. AAA, credit card, debit card, college ID? Yes, yes, yes and you know it! Be sure that if you are in need of emergency money or get in an accident, there is no way for you to have what you need to get yourself out of a sticky situation. Oh, and don't bother writing down your license number or anything smart like that, it wouldn't be nearly detrimental enough if you ended up losing it all!

Third: Lose it at night. Be sure that when the moon comes out, your pocket buddy does too. If you lost your wallet during the day you'd notice it more immediately and would be able to trace your steps back to the room or car you left it in. At night you're walking around focusing more on not tripping in your heels than checking if your purse is completely zipped up. Also, the following morning when you're tearing your closet apart, swearing "it was just here!" you can recall how you took it out to the previous night's event and by now someone has probably picked it up or it's been kicked into a gutter.

Finally: Lose it on a weekend. Friday night is the best because then you have to wait a full two days and do nothing but stress until the bank and the DMV open. If you want to be even more screwed, lose it like me on a holiday weekend. That way, nothing can even start until Tuesday or later!

These steps will surely assist you in ruining your week, but the worst part only begins the following weekday. Now that you've accepted the fact that your life has been slightly ruined and no magician will poof up your missing wallet, you get to start the process of making calls. Personally, I wrote a list of people I had to call and letters I needed to mail. This was fun because I got to stare at my planner during all my classes, realizing by the time I could call half the businesses it'd be past 5 p.m., forcing me to wait another day.

Oh, and for those of you with social anxiety who can't talk on the phone well, there's a solution for you: Online! Many places of business like to have online declarations that you've lost your card. This is great; all you have to do is plug in your name, phone number, SSN, address...and the number of the card you've just lost. Which is impossible unless you're smart enough to think ahead and write numbers like that down.

So now you're waiting on hold, stressing that someone has now stolen your identity or rented a car with your credit card, worried that by the time you finally cancel what you've lost it will be too late, and then you realize the worst part:

I have three quizzes tomorrow.

So now it's the ultimate juggling show. Studying while waiting on hold; giving out your case number while writing an essay; texting your parents for help while trying to eat dinner. The stress seems to be unending.

Slowly but surely you'll make it down your list of things to accomplish: you'll be able to focus on whatever it was your professor just said, you'll be able to finish your homework with genuine effort rather than the incoherent ideas you've been jotting down, and you'll finally not have to be calling your parents every day to give them updates on the wallet situation.

If you're ever feeling like everything in college is going too well and that you really need to self-sabotage just to feel alive again, remember what you just read and take it to heart.

And for those of you about to enter college, I have an extra step, one that I myself followed:

Lose your wallet during orientation week.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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