Loneliness is a dark place. It is a word is bundled with some sort of emotion that whenever you hear of it, it brings you to a strange and unnatural place.
Maybe it’s because loneliness is unnatural. Humans are to be in relationships. It is, ultimately, the endless wonder about endless wondering.
But there is a kind of loneliness that I cannot describe. It is that leaves you thinking of past lovers, of past friends, or past versions of people and events. The kind that leaves you thinking how sad change can be, and that happiness a Schopenhauer idea: it is only slated to be with us for a limited time before we live on without again wondering when and if it’s ever coming back again.
On nights like this, I seek the warmth from human companionship, even if it’s in the less organic form that comes from online chat boxes. But lately it’s been more of me pulling myself away from reaching out and asking people for what I need.
This kind of loneliness doesn’t hurt. At least I don’t think it does. In the same ways people come into your life and fade away even as he or she still exist, so does this loneliness.
Maybe a part of being human is to be lonely. Perhaps this kind of loneliness is a sign that we need to return to our core, gently forcing us to try and find peace from within. It’s a reminder to hold on to the good and the bad inside of us until we learn to live in harmony with them.
Sarah Jewett is not wrong when she said, “In the life of each of us…there is a place remote and islanded, and given to endless regret or secret happiness; we are each the uncompanioned hermit and recluse of an hour or a day; we understand our fellows of the cell to whatever age of history they may belong." This unnamable loneliness is just what we need to return to balance and to grow. It is a path to be more comfortable with ourselves and at ease in our own company.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we often are frightened of loneliness. This is why we reach out for romantic love so desperately. Getting another message on Tinder or Grindr can serve as a subtle distraction, but if we are inviting others into our world out of a need to avoid our baggage, we are doing nothing but a disservice to them and to ourselves. What we need is the ability to confront ourselves fully without compulsively searching for the closest thing to distract us once again. If the reason we bring something into our lives is to save ourselves from our loneliness, we are only putting a Band-Aid the tiny scratch that conceals a much larger wound beneath the surface.
We need to feel loneliness and learn to embrace it. Instead of fearing this state of mind, we should learn how to fully immerse ourselves in it. Be alone. Be fully and completely alone. When our solitude no longer feels like a prison sentence, begin to invite others into our lives. Let life not to be filled with grasping needs, but with true desires. This is how we should face our loneliness: to stop running, and just live.
