Addictions are more common than most people think, especially in teens. Most people relate addiction with someone who uses cocaine and heroin, but there are also those who are addicted to alcohol and cigarettes. These addictions tend to be taken less seriously, which is especially hard for the addict because, although it’s harder to overdose on these recreational drugs, these addictions are just as hard to overcome.

I have an addiction to cigarettes and I’ve battled it for a year and a half, since I was seventeen. The most common thing I hear from my loved ones is, “You should just stop! It’s bad for your health!” No shit. All along I thought that cigarettes were good for my health and now that you’ve educated me, I’m cured.

In a perfect world, that might be how the conversation went, but, also in a perfect world, I wouldn’t be addicted to cigarettes. In a perfect world, there might not even be such a thing as cigarettes.

So, how do you handle a loved one battling an addiction?

1. Try to understand what they’re going through

This is the most crucial step, and that’s why it’s number one. As hard as it is for you, it’s probably just as hard, if not harder, for them. They might be ashamed of their habit; they know it’s bad. The problem is so much deeper than just an addiction though. Are they battling a mental disorder like depression? Are they lonely? Are they scared? Instead of telling them to stop smoking or drinking, try to reach out to the bigger problem that caused the addiction in the first place.

2. Count their victories

Every time they cut down, skip a day of smoking or drinking, celebrate! This doesn’t mean they’ve conquered their addiction, but little victories are things to celebrate. This doesn’t mean you need to take them out to dinner either, it can just be a pat on the back and a positive affirmation that they’ve been doing well and you notice. This can make a huge difference and make them feel like they're succeeding. When they feel like they’re succeeding they will be more likely to cut down again.

3. Don’t make such a big deal out of their failures to cut down or stop

I know a lot of people who put numbers on my addiction like it’s a statistic. “How many have you smoked today?” “How many will you smoke tomorrow?” “Here’s the amount you should be smoking today.” “Have you gotten down to x amount yet?” When people tell me they’re disappointed in me, it makes me want to smoke more. There will be days when I make mistakes and days that I give up on trying to quit. These are not bad days nor the end of my road to recovery, but rather a bump in the road. Don’t yell at your loved one for these bumps, don’t tell them how disappointed you are, just encourage them to have a better day tomorrow.

4. Rehab isn’t always the answer

When people find out that their loved one has an addiction, they want them to stop immediately and go to extremes. Unless there is a threat to their life, rehab isn’t necessarily the answer. This can not only make them feel isolated, but also they know that they are only quitting due to the circumstances they were put under. There’s so much more power in being able to quit because you want to and not because someone locked you up and forced you to. Rehab can also cause rebellion. So while they may be quitting only for the weeks or months they are in a facility, this might make them angry and the addiction will become worse once they are released.

5. Don’t try to make them quit

Many people try to take their loved one’s addiction into their own hands by throwing out the drugs. While this may seem like a solution in the moment, it will only make your loved one lose trust in you and fight back harder. Again, they are not quitting by themselves in this situation either so even if it does work in the moment, it won’t work long term.

6. Don’t make them feel like outcasts

Even when using hard drugs like cocaine, try not to make the user feel like they are criminal or a bad person for their addiction. This will often make them feel the need to use more.

7. Relate to them

You’re probably thinking, “How can I relate to someone with an addiction?!” Easy, picture someone telling you that you could never do something again. For instance, if someone told you that you could never eat candy or desserts again, how would you feel? Yes, you could probably cut desserts out of your life forever because it’s not very essential to your diet, but you might feel left out at your birthday party while everyone else eats your cake. You might feel a little cranky when you’re having a bad day and your only comfort food is carrots. You might feel like you’re losing a part of your social life when you go out and can’t eat what everyone else is eating. You might have days where you do sneak a brownie. Or two. But what if your loved one screamed at you for eating desserts, hid them or took them away, or counted how much you weighed every day? It would be even harder to stop… same with any addiction.

8. Don’t blame yourself

The most important thing your loved one wants you to know is that this is not your fault in any way. And, unless you’re forcing drugs on them, you didn’t cause this. Remember that every human is their own entity and you can not control them or their addiction. Addiction is a personal matter and fighting it can be really hard. Just remember that this is their fight. Why? Because it is not your fault to begin with.

9. It’s not necessarily their fault either

Keep in mind that there are likely bigger reasons for their addiction than meets the eye as discussed in the first step. Playing the blame game won’t help anything or anyone. Just like some people naturally don’t produce enough dopamine and are depressed, some people naturally have an addiction-prone brain chemistry. Try to think of it as a mental illness of sorts. Yes, it’s that hard to break and, as we’ve found out recently, this will not be “fixed” with a little hard love.

10. No, chewing gum isn’t the answer, thank you (Nor is x, y, and z actually a helpful substitute)

“Just get the gum!” First of all, that’s nasty. “So is smoking!” Not the same thing. Many times smokers don’t smoke because “It’s a lot of fun!” We don’t enjoy spending extra money, we don’t enjoy standing outside in the rain when it’s forty degrees out. And gum is not. the. same. thing.

Don’t try to help the process by buying expensive gums and patches to curb the addiction because so many times, it’s the motion of actually bringing your hand up to suck on the cigarette or drink from a bottle. We appreciate your help, really we do, but these things that promise that you’ll stop smoking in a month? It’s unrealistic and please don’t get your hopes up that we’re “cured” now.

11. Have patience

Always remember that we are trying as hard as we can. It may not always seem like it when we have that extra cigarette or extra drink, but have patience- Rome wasn’t built in a day! And just like the first time smoking and drinking didn’t get us addicted, the first day we don’t do our habits doesn’t mean we’re no longer addicted. However, we promise we are trying and we have faith that one day we’ll succeed.