They come in a form of raging butterflies stuck in my chest as they multiply and suffocate. They look like scabs, raw skin, blood around my fingers. Nail polish that is chipped. They look like a blank stare from the outside but inside it's an echo, a broken record thoughts that have miles of space to bounce around, stick to the walls and play over and over again. They look like dark circles, from tossing and turning all night. They look like starvation.
I got to know my demons; I got to learn how they grew and cultivated. I learned how to hide them, and how they made me feel not so normal.
As a mom, my son taught me how to learn to love myself from the inside out. That love process became how to battle and fight back. It took my heart being broken, and cheated on by my insecurities how I needed to learn to grow and really fight for my own true feelings, that they were valid just like anyone else's were.
The amount of people who claim they are depressed, and succumb to that depression, are the ones who want to give up the fight. There are the ones who ride the roller coaster, with the highest highs and the lowest lows. The ones who are fighting for balance. I, like many are the ones fighting for balance. Do not tell me things will get better, and pat me on the back. Do not tell me you know how I feel because every path is never similar to another. Part of the fight is knowing what your Demons look like. What they sound like, what they may smell or feel like. That, is half the battle.
I know of a few people, like me, who drown theirselves in their misery. Alcohol, being the number one tool. The day my therapist told me alcohol only makes things worse was the day I really stopped drinking as much as I use to. Yes, alcohol is a depressant, but it takes days for your body to hit that slump. So who wants to be father down than you already are?
The answer to all this, is the redirection of energy. I was someone who benefited from taking medicine to ease my anxiety, but that doesn't fix everything. I found my passions again. Baking, painting, yoga, things that will balance my entire life and energy. That's what people need. Balance. Help yourself, because you are your biggest advocate. Change. Change what you are doing, do new things, do things that you don't do much of anymore. That is how you find your balance, and what will make your demons seem unfamiliar. Mine may have a new face, but others I don't recognize anymore, and that's all that matters. Life is too fragile and beautiful to let slip away. Enjoy it, and find the balance, then you won't know your demons by name.
