Sometimes I get the question "What differentiates good sex from bad sex?" and I always respond saying two things: dedication and, most importantly, communication. It makes all the difference when you're with someone who doesn't put sex on the back burner, has no problem communicating their needs, and is receptive to your needs as well.
Even though that seems simple, opening up about intimate details can make people feel vulnerable, but it doesn't have to. Here are different approaches that can be used to spark conversations about what you want in bed:
The casual approach
Let's say you and your partner are in a setting that has nothing to do with the bedroom. It could be during a dinner date or just taking a stroll through the park. If you're initiating the conversation about what you like then you can bring up your desires by bringing up specific examples from shared experiences. If you're initiating a conversation to ask your partner what they enjoy in bed then you can use the same approach.
Example: "You know how I had you bent over the kitchen counter last night? Am I hitting the right spot in that angle or does it feel better to be bent over at a lower angle, like on the bed instead?"
Sometimes being in a setting outside of the bedroom helps people feel more relaxed when communicating their needs because there isn't as much pressure involved. It genuinely feels more like any average conversation you'll have.
The “Haha jk... unless?” approach
No matter how long you've been sleeping with someone, there may still be sexual acts that you're not 100 percent sure they'd be interested in doing. Besides, there are many aspects to sexuality that are still considered taboo to this day. If there's something you're curious about trying, but you're not sure how to bring it up, lighten up the mood with a bit of humor.
Example: "What if I wanted to spit in your mouth during sex haha jk... unless?"
The visual approach
If you've ever come up with a sexual idea based on inspiration from what you've seen on television, movies, or even porn, then this approach is for you. If you're watching a sexually charged movie then point out the parts you'd like to replicate or make note of the parts that remind you of the way you and your partner have sex. If you watch porn and some of your favorite videos make you think of your partner then send it to them through text one day and let them know what similarities you see between the video and your sex life.
The Reality TV judge approach
This one is simple, but not recommended for the faint at heart. Record the two of you having sex (with explicit consent beforehand, of course) and then watch the video afterward and critique it the same way a Reality TV judge from "The X Factor" or "America's Next Top Model" would give feedback to the contestants. Don't critique in a way that'll cause a heated argument, but still be honest.
Example: "You see me squinting my eyes right there? I'm not even gonna lie. It hurt a little when you played with my nipples like that. Do you mind being lighter with my boobs from now on? They're super sensitive."
And most importantly, don't forget to hype each other up! If there was a certain move that drove you crazy in the best way possible then let your partner know that.
Example: "The way that you flicked your tongue like that was PERFECT."
The mutual masturbation approach
You can tell a lot about what makes someone climax by the way they please themselves. Take the time to masturbate beside or in front of each other so you can get an idea of their sweet spots, motions, rhythms, etc. so you can mimic that when the two of you are actually having sex with each other.
Example: If one of you masturbates while lying on your stomach then have your partner place one hand right below your vulva while they're on top of you in a modified doggy position so that the residual motion of their thrusting creates friction between your vulva and their hand, therefore, stimulating your clitoris and labia in the same manner it would if you were masturbating on your stomach.
The blunt approach
Let them know exactly what you want and when you want it when you realize it. At least that way you'll never have them guessing about how things are going between the two of you sexually because you're straight to the point.
Overall, treat sexual communication of the same importance that you would with any other kind of communication. Sometimes people have a tendency to assume talking sex ruins the mood or means something is wrong, but that isn't necessarily the case. Talk to each other about the sex you're having even when it's the absolute best you've ever had and you wouldn't change a thing about. If anything, enhancing sexual communication provides more strength and intimacy to the relationship.
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