I write this at the risk of sounding like white noise in the midst of the Great Bathroom Debates. As a transgender person myself, it’s encouraging to see so many people in dialogue about an issue that the trans community has struggled with for years. Though, I do have to admit I’m a little disappointed that this is the issue we’re talking about. Not about stopping the ridiculous amount of violence we face. Not about writing legislation that protects us from discrimination in the work place and beyond. Not about making health care accessible and affordable. But we chose to discuss restroom use.
Yes, public restroom use is an issue relevant to the everyday lives of trans people. And I suppose any place is a good place to start. So, I’ll take what I can get. But instead of expertly mocking antagonistic legislation or explaining why laws that promote segregation are a bad idea, I’m going to let every cis person in on the restroom debate that has taken place in the trans community since public restrooms were gendered in the first place. (I mean, I highly doubt there were separate outhouses for pee standers and pee sitters.)
As always, I speak from my own, small, limited perspective. Everyone’s experience is different. The advice in the following discussion is what I have accumulated over the short span of my life. I used to think this advice only applied to trans people. But recent events indicate otherwise. Fear not, cis gender people, this trans person is here to help you out.
The question at hand: Which restroom do I use?
First, ask yourself, “Am I on my period?” If so, use the women’s restroom because there is likely a small trash can right next to the toilet to dispose of your pads and tampons. You can always carry them out of the toilet stall, all wrapped up, and throw them away where you toss used paper towels, but who wants to carry that around anyway? And then you always run the risk of being in one of those hyper-Earth-friendly restrooms without any trash can because no paper towels are supplied — only air blowers. Then what do you do with your used product? Now, of course, we could just put little trashcans next to every toilet in the building instead of assuming men do not have periods (because some men do), but that would make too much sense so we can’t do that.
If you said no to the first question, move onto question two: “Do I have to change my child’s diaper?” If so, use the restroom with the triangle person on the door. It’s not likely the restroom behind the door with the rectangle person has a table built into the wall for you to flip down and use to change your baby. Thanks to the modern feminist movement, a few men’s restrooms have changing tables. But not nearly all. It would make sense to put changing tables in every restroom, though. I mean, dads are a thing. Are dads only supposed to invest time in their children after they are potty trained? Can dads not take their diaper wearing children out in public without a woman chaperone?
If you said no to the previous question, move to the third: “Which restroom am I less likely to get beat up in?” This does not necessarily mean you should use the women’s restroom. The answer to this question is based on location in both a macro and micro sense. Are you in California? You’re probably good no matter which restroom you choose. If you’re in a the basement of a building that’s home to a militaristic religious group in California, you’re likely not safe no matter what which restroom you choose. Are you surrounded by Trump supporters? Probably not safe no matter what. Are you surrounded by Trump supporters in a MOGAI center in California?... That’s a toss-up; go with your gut on that one.
If you are not sure which restroom you would be safest in, then ask yourself, “Which restroom is closer?” And follow that question with, “Is it crowded?” If the closest restroom is crowded, go to the next closest restroom. If that restroom is also crowded, politely wait in line, as there is likely no restroom within reasonable walking distance that is not crowded anyway.
Lastly, if this is all too much, if you are tired, or confused, or fed up, you can always look for a “family restroom.” It’s usually one door that locks with one toilet and a sink. It’s marvelous. Because here’s the secret, you don’t have to actually have a whole family in that restroom. You can go in there by yourself.
Bonus:
What if I need to use a shower, not a toilet?
If you are not looking for a public restroom but rather a public shower (like in a dorm or something), then you can skip the first two questions and skip right to the one that says “which place am I least likely to get beat up in?” If you’re not sure, use the closest one. If that still freaks you out, use the shower in the wee hours of the morning. I do not recommend using them in the late hours of the night because if you’re in a pubic group setting (like in a dorm) there is always going to be those one or two people that only sleep when their bodies completely shut down and they pass out. Running into that sort of person in the moments just before total body shut down is scary under the best conditions. It’s not fun to accidentally interact with one of them when all you want to do is shower in peace.
Bonus Bonus:
What if I enter a restroom and there seems to be a person there whose gender does not match mine?
Fear not. Gender is expansive and fluid. The likelihood of you finding someone with the exact gender as you is slim anyway. Just go do what you came in there to do.
I meant, what if they are a different sex than me?
Don’t panic. You pass people on the street every day that have different body parts between their legs than you do. (But if you think a person that was designated the same sex as you has parts between their legs that look like yours, you are sorely mistaken.) You talk to them, interact with them, and do many of the same things they do. All people sleep, move about, eat and drink. The latter two activities makes it necessary that they use the restroom. You can still use the restroom though someone else in your vicinity may not have been designated the same sex as you, just as you do everything else in close proximity to them.
What about predators? What if I’m cornered and attacked?
Then the person attacking you will be subject to the full force of the law.
But I get it. You’re in a vulnerable position when you’re relieving yourself. But so is everyone else. No one is going to make a restroom their hunting ground. Why? People come in and out of restrooms all the time and at unpredictable times. Plus, one good shriek and the whole building hears. Restrooms are no sound proof. And they are fully lit and located in the center of busy public areas. You are just as likely to be attacked by a person with the same perceived gender as you in the restroom as you are likely to be attacked by a person with another gender. Anyone can be attacked at any time, any place — even church. But you shouldn’t navigate your life based on those baseless fears.
How do I explain the difference between boys and girls to my child then?
Lots of ways. I always hear the argument that more than two genders and more than two sexes is too complicated for children to understand. But, actually, that’s not the case at all. Children will learn whatever you teach them. You can teach them that when kids are born, doctors put people with little parts in a group called girls and people with bigger or longer parts in a group called boys. You can explain that the difference between boys and girls is very small and really not much to talk about at all. You can let your “boys” wear pink and play with dolls. And you can let your “girls” do this too. You can let your “girls” play with superhero action figures and wear “boy clothes” (which make much more practical sense than “girl clothes” anyway). You can let your “boys” do the same.
This is just going to confuse them. This is just going to make them transgender.
What? No. Yes, their gender expression will be much more relaxed and fluid than yours. But no, that does not mean they will be trans. And so what if they are trans? Being trans isn’t a bad thing. You being afraid that telling your kid the truth about the binary gender system — that it’s bullshit — is just showing that you are transphobic. Stop it.
