Tragedy seems to be inescapable these days. Between the loss of a member of our American University family last week and the announcement from the Westboro Baptist Church of their intent to picket on our campus against the LGBTQ+ community, we seemingly can't escape bad news. There are so many people who are struggling right now. Here's how you can show them you care.
1. Practice empathy.
If someone trusts you enough to confide in you, show them their trust wasn't misplaced. Sadness, grief, fear, and anxiety are so hard to go through alone. Remember that empathy and sympathy are two very different things. Being empathetic is more difficult because you have to reach down inside of you and relate to that feeling. Perspective taking and avoiding judgment are key to empathizing.
2. Think before you speak.
Rarely, if ever, does an empathetic statement begin with "at least." If someone tells you that they're struggling in school, it isn't helpful to hear "oh, well at least you're so pretty." If someone confides in you that they're experiencing hate based on part of their identity, don't tell them "at least your family accepts you."
3. Sometimes, the best thing you can say is "I don't even know what to say, I'm just so glad you told me."
If you really cannot relate to something, do not try to dig down and force an experience to compare. If a friend lets you know of a death in their family, it is rarely appropriate to then compare a loss you may have faced.
4. Remind your loved one that you are there for them.
A general "let me know if you need anything" doesn't always cut it. Offering specific things cuts down on that person's anxiety of asking for help. Instead, offer to go with them to a doctor's appointment. Volunteer to bring them some takeout and watch a movie. Let them know that if they feel unsafe in their room, that you would welcome them in yours.
5. Remember that you are not a trained mental health professional.
If someone confides something in you that is dangerous to themselves or others, or they need more help than you can provide, recommend to them the idea of seeing a mental health professional. You cannot fix every problem you want to solve on your own.
Being there for other people does not have to be difficult. Taking an extra moment before jumping into suggestions, listening when you could be speaking, trying to understand, these are all things that show you care.
I'd like to end this article with a story from "The West Wing." In one scene, a character named Leo is speaking to another named Josh, who is struggling after a traumatic event. He tells him the following story: this guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey, you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."
That is empathy. That is how you can be there for someone. The best way to combat tragedy is with love, kindness, and community.
