I once heard in a class discussion that millennials have more mental health concerns than any previous generation. I remember that thought rocked me to my core. My analytical brain was like "well we know way more now than we used to, hello all the DSM's I've had to buy," but then my emotional brain chimed in, saying "You can rattle off the names of at least 20 people no problem with a mood disorder." It was a sobering moment that made me realize we need to be better friends, and we need to approach uncomfortable topics because we care about our friends.
I talked to a couple of my friends who had varying struggles with anxiety, depression and self-harm. I asked them what things, in general, could improve their day to day lives, and relationships with their friends. I understand there is a fine line between expressing concern, and hovering over them like they're in danger of relapsing into destructive behavior. So, here are some key things that they shared with me about supporting someone who is struggling.
1. Reassure them.
The most common answer I got was reassurance. Reassure your friends that you want them around, that they are important to you, and that they are loved. This answer came across the board from people struggling with all kinds of emotional and mental health concerns. Be a positive presence in your friend's life and reassure them that they are one in yours.
2. Check up on them privately.
Another point people stressed was waiting for a one on one and relaxed environment. Asking in a group of people can make the person feel attacked, singled out, or betrayed. And just ask honestly without being around the bush and without accusing. So, a "hey how have you been lately with everything" works great. Open a door and line of communication. If there is a particular event, interaction or comment that has you concerned for them, use that as an example. Show your friends you pay attention and care enough about them to check up.
3. Let them know you're there for them.
You can have anxiety or depression and still not understand how someone else with depression or anxiety is feeling. Let them know you understand that they're struggling with something and you're there to help in any way you can, but don't try and therapy them. Don't tell them to "stop worrying" or "cheer up". If it were that simple they wouldn't be struggling. Talk with someone about what has helped you in trying times, invite them to join you in a stress relieving activity, be it working out, church, petting puppies, getting ice cream, whatever. Try hard to bring people up, not judge them for being down.
4. Be understanding.
Sometimes your friends won't want to go out, or won't want to do something, or might snap at you, not because they don't like you and enjoy hanging out with you, but because some days they can't bring themselves to get out of bed, some days the physical symptoms of a mental issue are so severe they can't be overcome, and some days whatever troubles them has brought them so low in self-esteem or self-worth they can't bring themselves to be around people. No amount of reassurance or pleading with them will change the way they feel, and most times will backfire into making them feel bad for ruining your time. Be open to trading in the wedges and shots for sweatpants and Ben & Jerry's.
5. Recognize how hard this is for them.
Remember that emotional and mental health is a personal thing, and you should feel privileged that your friend has shared their struggle with you. That means you don't shove it back in their face in a fight, you don't tell other people about it, and if they have an anxiety attack in front of you, check out for a few mental health days and tell you why, or you see fresh self-harm marks you don't start telling everyone you know--unless you genuinely believe they are at risk, in which case talk to an adult or authority figure who can take the proper steps in ensuring their safety.
Wait until you have one on one time and ask them if they are okay, ask them if their anxiety is keeping them from doing certain things, or if they need to talk about something. Recognize the trust they have in you and don't betray that. Mental health is not something to be taken lightly, it's not something to be churned through the rumor mill and it's not something to throw around as an insult.
People in our generation are more aware about their mental health, this awareness has lead to seeking more help from mental health professionals and a higher diagnosis of mental health issues. This awareness isn't a bad thing, but our generation is the one that needs to break the stigma surrounding mental health. To start that, we can all be a better friend to someone that is struggling.
