Recently, I have been bombarded with thoughts about how texting has affected my friendships and relationships, and I have realized there are huge upsides, but also huge downsides. Here is what they are, and how to not let it negatively affect your friendships.
Positives:
1. I can keep in touch with my friends from college or my long-distance friends, much easier. Whenever I am thinking of them or missing them, I can reach out and (usually) get a quick response. It is also great entertainment when I am bored.
2. I can reach anyone at any time when I remember to, because sending a text only takes a quick moment. If I remember that a friend is at work, but I forgot my pillow at her house the night before, I can text her and let her know that I will need it back while I am thinking of it.
3. I can show what I am thinking or feeling with emojis. Though they are limited in options, they give enough range for me to somewhat clearly express my emotions along with the words.
4. I can keep up to date with what my best friend is doing all the time. I can talk to them constantly (if I want to) and keep up on the guy drama from the previous night or the ups and downs of their daily lives.
5. I can plan things easier, especially if it is in a group message and everyone gives their input. If I am unsure of when I am free, but I know later in the day when I am, I do not have to give a call back when they may be unavailable and wait until the last minute to make plans.
Negatives:
1. Although I can keep in touch with my long-distance friends easier, texting them and keeping up on their lives limits my face-to-face time because if I am able to keep in touch often enough, I may not make the effort to go see them. I may feel as if I am nearer to them, but I might not physically see them as often. If it entertains my boredom, I might be less likely to go out and make plans or read a book.
2. Because I can reach anyone at any time, I may get anxiety when someone does not respond. Sure, they might be doing something, but phones are so accessible and acceptable in everyday life that—why couldn’t they be responding? Or so I think. Also, if I ask my friend for my pillow back and she is at work, she might read the text and forget to check when she gets home.
3. Emojis are very limited and used often (depending on the person), and that allows for them to become more generic. Texts, the way the words are put, are nearly void of emotion. If I am having a bad day, I may passive-aggressively respond to my friend’s text, but without the face-to-face eye contact and voice inflection, the meaning and intent behind the words may be lost.
4. Because I know what the friends I text are doing all the time, it makes for some pretty drab conversations when we finally get together. Sometimes I don’t even have to leave the house to catch up. It leads to some very lazy days that could be spent with your friend at your side. Also, no story is as good over text as it is in person.
5. Yeah, right, I can plan easier. Friends in group messages may not respond if they don’t have an opinion, and if I am planning something with just one friend, the planning could go on and on if indecision presides. A plan that could have taken me less than five minutes over the phone could take over an hour, and by that time I might not even want to do something anymore. Again, people forget to respond, accidentally read the message without seeing it, and plans get cancelled last minute. Overall, this is probably the most frustrating of the problems and leads to issues between friends.
I will not say I have had luck avoiding these downsides, as they still affect my friendships here and there, but here are some rules I am giving myself in order to allow my friendships to thrive and to not get annoyed with my phone (and my friends):
1. Try to use the call function of your phone to make plans and have conversations as often as possible.
2. Avoid group message planning.
3. Don’t have pointless conversations like “hi,” “hey,” “what’s up,” “nothing much,” etc.
4. Try not to text and say “let me know” about a day or a time, because that leaves the person available to make plans with someone else.
5. When planning, it is good to pinpoint a time and a date and see if they are available, not the other way around.
6. Do not have your read receipts on. It gives people anxiety when they see you have read their texts and do not respond.
7. Don’t wait around for responses. You never know when they will come, so don’t waste your time.
8. Turn your phone on "do not disturb" as often as you can. This way, your daily life isn’t bombarded with texts and notifications, and you can just check it when it is convenient. It’s polite, and if you are waiting to speak with those in your favorites list, you can still have it ring on "do not disturb."
9. Don’t always have your phone by you. You should not rely on someone contacting you 24 hours a day. Forget it upstairs and just leave it there, place it away from you during meals, put it away in class. Socialize.
10. Avoid being passive aggressive, even if someone cancels on you and seems to be acting unfair. Say what you mean and try not to guilt the person you are texting.
11. Try to get out of the house and not just text long-distance friends all day.
12. Meet up with someone to tell them your story. It will have more meaning, context, and allow the other person to ask questions and clarify.
13. If you need to clarify something through text, or are the one clearing things up, you might want to try over the phone or in person if it’s not getting through.
14. Don’t forget you can always be on the other side of the phone—you could be the one that your friend is waiting for or confused on inflection—so be careful with what you say and how it might come off.
15. Enjoy texting, but enjoy responsibly. Get the most out of the positives and avoid making yourself or others drown in the negatives. It can be a good thing!
