Anxiety disorders affect about 40 million Americans, and I am one of those people. I don't know how it started, or if I’ve had it my whole life. I believe, though, that I have always had it, I just never noticed until now.
I remember as a little girl, I would hide behind my parent’s legs when they’d introduce me to someone new. I can vividly remember hiding underneath a plastic colored chair in preschool because I was scared to walk across the room to get my preschool diploma. My parents even have pictures.
My social anxiety disorder has affected me tremendously. As I got older, it became worse. It affected my schoolwork. I couldn't stand in front of my class and present a project. I couldn't stand doing group projects, and I hated having to participate in classroom discussions. Whenever the chance comes to talk in front of classmates, even as introductions, my heart would start to pound heavily and the palm of my left hand would feel weird. I would always have some little charm dug into my palm as my turn would get closer.
The fact that it is now inevitable makes it worse. I’m in college and it is hard for me to make friends. I thought, to myself, that I would make hundreds of friends as soon as I got to college. I thought I made a lot of good friends through my pre-orientation program, but now I’m not so sure what to call them. We kind of drifted apart after I made a mistake and apologized for it. I was lucky enough to make friends on my dorm floor, including my roommate and our next-door neighbor.
But because of my social anxiety, I only have one best friend, my future maid of honor, my confidante, and my soul sister. We became good friends over ten years ago, but for a while then, we were on and off best friends. She would hang out with other people and I would get jealous. I wanted her all to myself. I know now that I can’t have one person all to myself, it’s greedy, rude and selfish. We go to separate colleges now, but we are still close and talk often.
My social anxiety makes it hard for me to make friends. I try to find friends in the easiest of places, but it’s physically hard for me to become a good friend. When I want to hang out with them, I feel as if I was clingy and desperate when asking. And when I am hanging around with my friends, I either don’t talk at all or when I do talk, it’s rude and hurtful, even if I don't mean it.
Even now, in college, it’s affected my schoolwork as well. Participation in my classes rides heavily on my final grade, and in certain classes, such as my lecture classes, it’s hard for me to speak up. I feel that people would think that I’m not making any sense or that I’m speaking too softly.
My social anxiety also doesn't help with the dining hall situation. The only time I go by myself is in the morning before my 10:30 a.m. class three times a week. Any other time of the day, I feel as if I have to go with someone. I always coincidentally see a group of people I used to hang out with there when I go for lunch last semester, so I stopped going for lunch and I ate in my dorm room. This semester, all of my classes are in the afternoon, so I don't have to worry about it. But to avoid walking to the dining hall alone, most of the times I order Dominos or grab a bite to eat from the on-campus eatery, Martha’s.
I’ve grown up being scared of going out alone, and I don't think I’ll ever stop. I hope one day I’ll have quite a few close friends who understand what I’m going through and help me get past it, but for now, I’m not so sure.
