It's been a long, hard road for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I never felt completely happy with myself and the world around me. I can remember being in elementary and middle school, looking down my stomach and looking in the mirror, and thinking, why do I look like this? Why are the other girls prettier and smaller then me? That's not something a girl of a young age should be thinking about.

By the end of junior high, I really had no desire to get out of bed. I didn't want to associate with anyone, even my best friend. When you feel like this, some people might have a hard time understanding, so you keep mostly everything in. Your family and friends don't really know what's going on, and that's probably a good thing, because they must not have had to go through what you're feeling.

I always felt like my family was frustrated with me. My parents would come home from work just to see me in my dark room and know that I'd done nothing since I got home from school, and school was the hardest thing to even go to. Sometimes, you cry because you just don't understand what's wrong with you, or you feel like you don't have a purpose on this earth. You feel like you cause everyone around you more pain than happiness. You have so much badness in your mind that you intoxicate yourself with it.

After a very long time, I reached out for help. I texted my mom (I couldn't do it in person at all) and told her I needed help and that I was really sad but didn't know why. She found me a therapist, and the first appointment caused me a lot of anxiety. I went in the room alone and some random young woman I've never met in my life asked some very personal questions. It was so overwhelming. I couldn't help but answer some of the hardest questions in my life while crying. When the questions like "Do you want to be on earth?" "Do you have any happy thoughts?" and "Would you or have you ever hurt yourself?" were over, she told me it seemed I was suffering from depression, and that it was very common. It all made sense.

As each session went by and I got all of the negative things in my mind out in the open, I slowly felt better. I learned techniques to help me shut the bad things in my head off. I finally started to make friends and I was becoming happy. Don't get me wrong; this didn't happen overnight, it was years in the making. Until my junior year of high school, the thoughts would still creep back. When I got a boyfriend in my freshman year, it was very hard to describe to him why I got so sad sometimes. Even though I was better, I was still struggling.

In my sophomore year of high school, I let the bad thoughts really take over. I lost 40 pounds, and not in a healthy way. I started eating barely anything, and when people started to notice my weight loss, I just thought, "What's one less meal if I feel better?" But I really didn't feel better. I was constantly light-headed, dizzy, and couldn't pay attention in school. Toward the end of sophomore year, I finally realized what I was doing to my body. I was killing myself slowly. That summer, I started eating more and becoming healthy again. With becoming healthy again came with the weight gain. I was miserable for so long because of the weight I gained back.

In senior year, I started working out and eating better. I might not have been 120 pounds, but I was becoming happy. My senior year was really a turning point in my journey. A relationship I had for very long ended, which was extremely hard for months. But, within those months, I learned how to make myself happy. I learned how to care for myself in every way possible. I was starting to love myself for the first time in my life.

Now, I'm in my second semester of college, and I couldn't be happier.

I take risks, I do everything I possibly can, because now I'm afraid to miss out on everything life has to offer. I know how precious life is and all of the great things that can happen to you. If you are going through anything, I want you to please know getting help is okay, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My light took 18 years, but it was worth every second.