The very wise and eternally cheap Mr. Krabs once said, “Time is money.” It’s a fairly simple and understandable concept—the idea that the amount of monetary value you obtain is in direct correlation to the amount of time you are willing to work. However, what Mr. Krabs didn’t understand is that time doesn’t actually exist, and if you happen to be a college student in North America, there is a very real possibility that your money doesn’t either. In the simplest of terms, you are broke. That’s OK, though. If there was ever a time to be plagued by crippling financial instability, it would be during college. Thankfully, while the chances of you making serious mad money bank this early in your life are slim, there are a few ways to ease this pain.
1. Get an on-campus job
While the anti-establishment radical in you may find the idea of giving into The Man and getting a job utterly horrific, it’s an evil that you will have to accept for the time being. High morals will not put textbooks in your bag or food in your stomach. If you happen to be living in student housing on campus, an on-campus job might seem like a great idea. That’s because it is.
Literally everyone, their mother, and her book club are going to try and go out for an on-campus job. It’s just too convenient to pass up. So make sure to look now and look quick, because all of them will be filled before you have enough time to pretend you left your empty wallet at home to get out of paying for dinner with friends. While on your way to apply for whatever jobs are on campus, do not be afraid to attack individuals heading in your same direction. Smaller students with large backpacks are exceptionally easy to push over. Do not feel bad, for you are a warrior on the hunt for your prey.
2. Get a job off campus
In the very likely scenario you don’t get an on-campus job because you spent your time prioritizing watching Netflix your first few days of college instead of applying, then off campus is your next best bet. This option can be difficult, especially dealing with the bus system. You will not have the option to just wake up five minutes before your shift and walk over. Careful planning will have to take place.
Furthermore, some places are hesitant to hire students who return home for the holidays. So the more emotionally detached and distant you are from your native land, the better off you are for an off-campus job. It’s also bothersome if your class schedule is sporadic and spread out unevenly to get decent working hours. The bright side of going off campus is to get away from the school for a little bit to ease the pain of your inevitable feelings of just being so done with wherever you’re attending. You might even have a job lined up for summer if you plan on staying.
3. Find lost pets for money
This next one is a bit more difficult and not as stable, but if you’re willing to give it a try, you could make a pretty penny off of it. People love their animals and are willing to pay quite a bit to get them back. Animals are by no means easy to track down, but by taking the steps necessary to open up your third eye, you might be able to use your newfound psychic powers to find them. By this point, it’s more or less just finding money wandering around the street.
Note: This article by no means suggests that you should go around kidnapping your neighbor’s animals in hopes that they will set up a reward for their safe return. Stealing is wrong, no matter how financially profitable it may be. It’s not like that old lady who lives next door leaves her backyard with her dogs unlocked or anything.
4. Be born extremely wealthy
No. Go away. This article is not for you. Shoo. Shoo. Fly away.
5. Sign up for experiments
If the idea of being a human lab rat for a research department sounds appealing to you, then signing up for experiments is the best way for some quick and easy cash. Some classes force you to partake in research as a part of your grade. You may say this sounds like forced labor, and you’d be right, but some departments are willing to pay you. If you look off campus, there should be a number of companies ready to hire eager and desperate students to be guinea pigs for new products. You could test out shampoo or a new drug by the FDA.
The end results of such experiments have a few ways of going. You might lose some hair, begin hearing the voices of long dead vice presidents, and if you’re lucky, there is a chance that one of these experimental products will result in you gaining super powers. How exciting would that be? With those, you would never have to worry about money. The world would be yours, dangling in the palm of your super-powered hands. No one could stop you. Your enemies shall perish in your path as you embrace years of pent up frustration that only someone who has dealt with financial problems will know.
