Trust me. Until the spring of 11th grade, I never worried about my weight or body image. I never watched what I ate. In fact, I probably didn’t even know what a calorie was. Since my family is graced with decent genetics, I was born with a thin, small, and muscular build.
Of course, after joining the gymnastics team in3
rd grade, my athletic build became even more pronounced over the
years. Sooner or later, a lot of my fellow peers labeled me as “the ripped
girl” or “that girl with the man arms.”
People occasionally commented on my abs, which definitely uplifted my self-esteem. It felt good to know that I was more muscular than the average female. As my teen years loomed into focus, however, high school became a bit more complicated.
I constantly checked my stomach in the mirror several times a day to be sure my abs were still present, and I weighed myself at least twice a day. I knew it was irrational, but I couldn't stop. My family noticed the problem at hand, but I was too afraid to listen. Deep down, I knew they were right.I’m going to be completely honest…Even though I eventually allowed myself to eat more calories and sweet treats each day, and cut back on calories, I know that I still have a controlling problem. I still check my stomach in the mirror quite often and can’t say I’m necessarily happy with how it looks.
I’m still muscular and fit, but body changes are inevitable for women, especially at the age of 21, and those changes scare me. My body acceptance goes in spurts. One minute, I’m okay with how I look, I’m okay with my weight gain, and I’m okay with eating 2500 calories a day with a less extreme workout routine. The next minute, the little compulsive voice in the back of my head tells me that I'm lazy and chubby, and I need to do something about it.
From my perspective, I think that four years of controlling my eating and exercise routine has burned me out.
As of three months ago, I’m sick of getting no sleep and waking up at 6 am every morning to work out. I’m sick of eating the same old, healthy foods with the same, old boring workout routine every single day. I’m sick of limiting calories so that I’m unable to eat what I want when I’m hungry. And lastly, I’m sick and tired of being afraid to eat out with friends and enjoy myself.
Unfortunately, even though I tell myself this, I still delve into a vicious cycle: for a while, I do what I want. Shortly afterward, I look at myself in the mirror, and wish I was as ripped as I used to be, insulting myself.
I realized that “zero body fat status” is no longer my source of motivation. I need to find a healthier motivation and a new routine. These days, the goal is to stay fit, while still taking breaks, eating relatively healthy each day without limiting myself when I’m hungry, enjoying a small treat each day, and lastly, no longer weighing myself.
Maybe I need to learn that it’s okay to be okay with how my body looks and quit dwelling on the past. Maybe I need to realize that going out to eat a burger and fries is perfectly okay to do a couple of times a week. Unless I learn to accept my body for what it looks like, I’ll never truly be happy.
