The worst feeling in the world is having someone give you a compliment, but in that same instant insult you as well. You know what I’m talking about, when someone says, “oh you’re hair is pretty for being curly” or “you look really nice in blue” and you’re wearing pink. Backhanded compliments can be formally known as microaggression.

Microaggression is offending someone very faintly, and sometimes can be completely unintentional. Microaggression can come from total strangers or the people closest to you, especially your grandmother who completely disapproves of the person you’re dating so she says something like, “He’s okay, but Dave Franco is perfection” (not like she would know who Dave Franco is, but you get the gist). If you are any normal human being you’ve probably received a hard dose of microaggression and probably dished some out yourself. I am guilty of it.

However, in my experiences in life (yes, I’m super old) I’ve been more on the receiving end of microaggression. Since I can remember I have always been the only African American girl. I went to a predominately white school until I was in the fifth grade, and I was the only fly in the milk in both Girl Scouts and cheerleading until I went into high school. Don’t get me wrong, I loved every moment of it and it was in those activities where I met my friends for life. It wasn’t until I started getting compliments, well sort-of compliments that I started noticing something was off. When I would go out with my friends people would actually say to me, “oh you’re really pretty for a black girl.” Now in those first few seconds I was truly flattered because someone thought I was pretty, but it was after those few seconds that made me wonder if I was pretty in general or just to the level a black girl was allowed to be pretty; microaggression.

It wasn’t until I got older that I started hearing, “well you aren’t a real black person,” which was normally after someone said they didn’t like black people and I had to point out the obvious, that I was black. Don’t get me wrong, I love when people feel comfortable enough with me that they can ask questions about my race, however it makes me feel awful to hear that they don’t consider me to be a part of my race. It’s not like I’m a pretty light skinned Beyoncé (even though I wish I was Beyoncé, but who doesn’t want to be her?), I’m definitely more of a dark chocolate-Dove chocolate. I love when my friends ask me when we’re alone how weave works, because it’s a chance that I can talk about my culture and educate someone. However in conversations about racism or inequity I always hear, “I don’t like black people” but I’m somehow an exception because I’m “not a real black person.” When I hear that, I truly can’t put into words how upset it makes me because it’s basically saying that I’m not a part of my race. I know it’s crazy to get upset over those words, but it’s like saying that African American people are all bad and I’m good so therefore I don’t fit in; microaggression.

It’s nice that you think I’m a good person, but not all of the individuals within a race are the same and stereotypes are just stereotypes. Microaggression has affected me particularly in this way to feel that African Americans can’t be successful and if they are, it’s rare. It has affected me to think that I will only be pretty to a certain level that I will never be pretty just to be pretty but I’m on a spectrum. Microaggression can be hurtful and my best advice to you to prevent yourself from expressing microaggression is to compliment the individual for their strengths and how their strengths make them the amazing person they are. If you are ever on the receiving end of micro aggression remember that you are an amazing person and you deserve to be treated with respect. Sometimes a little education is all someone needs to become a better person.